I know how hard this is, Rainbow. I appreciate and admire the courage you show in therapy and in sharing here on PC. I also appreciate the fact that you have the awareness to say "this isn't helping", and I know that feeling too. Sometimes talking about these things on PC is so incredibly helpful, and other times it just gets us all mixed up inside. Good for you for noticing and listening to that.

Also, for what it's worth, I have a very hard time with the concept of self, as well.