Thank you, not sure why but tonight is hard and I am scared and mad at myself. I had nearly talked myself out of talking to the therapist but I really need to do something. As much as I want to take the anger and fear out on myself I know that it would make things worse not better. And yet I feel as if I almost need to do something that shows how sorry I am and how bad I feel. Crazy thinking but there it is.

I go from I want to stop this to I want to cut this out to I don't deserve to have this stop. I feel as if I was finally talking only to help myself and I worry about my brother -- what he recalls - what he feels. Why do I deserve any relief? And ironically that is a big part of why I am able to not cut -- because it brings a moment of relief and I don't deserve it. How the hell did I get tied up into such knots? No wonder the very ideal of looking at my knots makes me ill. I am just venting now, sorry. I guess I had better stop. I am sick of talking about and thinking of me.