After reading the next entry I still think about what Paulo was originally denied.

Originally Paulo wanted to write, and his parents considered it an unhealthy goal.
His parents started his process of denial. Think about that for a minute.

And when I read what he wrote about finally quitting a type of job his parents or perhaps society deemed an acceptable healthy disire, he spoke of a fear of taking a chance in trying to do what he originally wanted to do.

Ok, perhaps we can even use GAYS and LESBIANS here. Look at all the things these individuals had to go through to finally get to where they are now. If it is true that this is caused by chromozones that makes a person born with this desire and it is denied them what can that mean? If a person is born with a desire to write or make music or be a philospher etc. but is denied, it could make them deny themselves and even hide in madness or by ending thier life. This has been the case with many. The intense fear of telling a parent the truth is significant for many of these people. And then they can live a life that is not a full life and they hide or even lie or give up.
And to finally "Come out" so to speak is scarey for them. I am just trying to use this as an example here.

What I think that Paulo is saying as he finally gives in to what he really wanted to do, is he had doubts. He probably felt that if he didn't make it, his parents were right and he was wrong. So he wasn't sure, but that was instilled in him, that brought on that desire to just give in and want to be institutionalized.

Yes, that doctor did not allow him to display his anger at being denied, as many children do. And he realized that he had nothing else to do but go forward and do what was expected. He did do that but he never forgot his original desire. And because of what happened he wondered if he really could do it, but he had to see.

And what he eventually did see is that he could do it and he was good at it and he finally got to be what he felt in his heart.

But, the escape to a mental institution is not the answer. The only way it could be an answer is if an instution was designed to find out exactly what a person has been denied. It doesn't work that way, at least not then. And it didn't look that way in my visit either, although I was in a psychward, I did listen to the other patients and I did hear what they wanted and they did talk about being denied. And as I listened I was able to point out what they may have missed and actually one woman had great ideas, only she lacked in having the right person to implement her ideas. When I told her that, her whole face lit up and she followed me around, wanted to hear more. I really liked her ideas and I really think that had she had the right source or person who would help her get the next step, she would have done ok. She was an idea person, but no one saw it. And she had invested in this idea and it didn't get off the ground because she didn't have the right person and she was riddled with guilt. She had shock therapy and she was on several medications and she couldn't even say if any of the medications worked. She just got in with the wrong people who took advantage. You cant shock guilt away and you cant medicate it either.

Do people hide in mental illness, yes some of them probably do. But WHY, is it always their fault? I wonder about that. I think it was patchyderm who said no one is in charge. Oh I definitely agree with that. I have worked with children that denied themselves unknowingly. I brought them out, not in my ring would they do that.
And that is what I loved about what I did and that is what I loved about being a MOTHER, a REAL MOTHER, not just by the fact that I BORE A CHILD. And my child had obstacles and I made sure I exposed her to everything I could. I told her that I didn't care if she wanted to be a pig farmer, as long as she was happy. And any time someone told her that she would not be able to do what she wanted to do, I stepped in and told her, not a good person to be around, lets find someone better to teach you. And she still does that on her own and she is not afraid to do WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. And I am not talking about being spoiled or selfish, I am talking about her deciding on GOALS and STRIVING FOR THOSE GOALS. And, if she falls, she gets up and tries again.

Some people have genuine illness, and they really struggle, THEY DO WANT TO GET BETTER, BUT THEY DONT KNOW HOW. I struggle and I hate what I have PTSD and I do want to get better and I am trying to learn. I have had a many struggles, been to hell as someone put it, but I still try. And I do say, that until you walk in the shoes of another, you should not condem them. Your absoluty right ((((((( elliemay)))))))).

I am glad that Paulo finally got to live his life as HE WANTED originally. And I am glad that he didn't go to the Mental instiution. But it did take courage for him to do what he wanted and I am sure the doubt was instilled long ago by the way a parent reacted to his desire a long time ago. He did move on and partake in life, but he wasn't truely FULFILLED until he got to try his original desire.

Open Eyes