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Originally Posted by sunrise
Why would my T's disclosure mention a phenomenon that comes from a different therapy tradition than he practices? (My T is humanistic/existential, in which the therapist and client do have a real relationship.) It would be like asking a CBT therapist to put in the disclosure that the client may experience painful criticism of his/her thinking patterns and worksheets that provoke much anxiety. But should all therapists have to put that in? Therapy can be painful--whether its transference, recalling or reliving long-buried traumas, having one's tried and true way of thinking frequently criticized, having to sign contracts not to self harm when that behavior has been very helpful, facing hard facts about oneself, etc. I don't need it mandated that a T lists every single potentially difficult element of therapy in their disclosure form. I never expected therapy to be easy when I began.
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Feelings of unrequited love indirectly caused by the doctor are irrelevant to the therapy (unless you are there to discuss that issue).
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Protoform, it sounds like you have been very hurt by your therapy experience. Your lawsuit almost sounds like some kind of revenge, even though not directed just at your T. Like now you think all Ts are bad/incompetent/dangerous and need your censure?
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I lost faith in the field of psychology. And it's not about revenge. It's about preventing innocent people from getting hurt.
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Do you think this suit will help you feel better?
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No. But doing the right is about doing right thing. Not about "feeling better". There might be some "feeling better" knowing that you did the right thing, but that's not the point.
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Maybe you've tried, but could there also be other ways to work on your strong feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, etc.?
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No. That's not the way my brain works. And I never said I felt angry or betrayed.
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One of my favorite books on psychotherapy (Making Contact: Uses of Language in Psychotherapy, by Leston Havens) shows how the therapist can vary the "distance" between himself and the client by the words he chooses. Havens explains how some clients need more distance and some less, and this can vary each session too. He knows how to use the right language to create the right distance for that client at that moment. It is definitely not a one size fits all in how he treats clients. When I hear how your therapy went, Protoform, it makes me wonder if your T misjudged what level of distance would be therapeutic for you?
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Quite possible.
In other words, what I went through was HER fault.
But I need to be careful how I couch that argument because if I don't choose my words carefully then I am accused of being delusional.
I know I am not delusional. I know that what I went through was HER FAULT because she did not read me properly.
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You also mentioned that you have autistic disorder, and I am hearing that you think because of that you may have been particularly vulnerable to your T's positive regard. I am listening to all this and considering implications for my own practice (I am studying to enter the mental health field). I think sometimes a referral is called for in therapy.
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I'm glad I'm helping your future patients.
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Originally Posted by Suratji
I'd like to ask the same question that Velcro did: what exactly did your T say or do that made you fall in love with her?
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I will reply with Sunrise's question:
"When I hear how your therapy went, Protoform, it makes me wonder if your T misjudged what level of distance would be therapeutic for you?"
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Did she deliberately do or say these things to hurt you?
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Why are you trying to make me look like a paranoid lunatic? Why would I think she was out to hurt me? Why wouldn't you think it's more likely that I just think she was incompetent?
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Did she act differently with you, do you think, than her other clients?
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What the hell do I know? Do you think I think I am psychic? I have no reason to think she treated me differently. That's all I can tell.
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If not, do all her clients fall in love with her?
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Probably not. But she told me that patient - therapist attraction happens quite often in therapy.
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Or do you believe she selected you out of all of her clients to build her seductive web around you?
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Damn it. Why would I think that!?!?!? Can't you understand that my argument is that she failed to read me properly and for that reason did not treat me the way that would have been therapeutic for me?
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What do you know about her that makes you have these feelings? Usually if we fall in love with someone, there are lots of qualities about them that appeal to us.
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I never said that I fell in love with someone. It was an infatuation. Whatever you want to call it. YOU CAN CALL IT WHATEVER YOU WANT. IT WAS EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND GIVING IT A DIFFERENT NAME DOES NOT MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.
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Being kind and generous is one thing that should exist in all therapy situations. Is she being accused of this?
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To some extent, yes. A different approach might actually have been therapeutic.
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Do you know how she is outside of therapy? Do you know what emotional issues she struggles with? What if you found out that she had extreme anxiety and needed to talk about it a lot with her closest friends? Would that change a bit how you feel about her? What if you learned that she was obsessed with a kind of music you didn't like and she followed those musical groups with a passion? Would that change your feelings? What if you found out that she detested the foods that are your favorites? Would that change your feelings? What if you found out that she had been married twice already? Would that change your feelings? What if you found out she has had 6 abortions and you are opposed to abortion? Would that change your feelings? What if you found out she is an extreme neatnick and you like to live life a bit more relaxed? And on and on and on and on......
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What the hell do I care? I don't want anything to do with that person. The problem is the feelings which I can't control, not a conscious desire to have anything to do with that person. It doesn't sound like you understand the difference, so..
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You know her therapist role and the therapist role is to help and offer kindness and unconditional positive regard to their clients.
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Which can cause some patients to feel attracted to their therapist, which is why it should be mentioned in the disclosure statement.
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If we have not experienced that kind of reception from another human being, it can feel overwhelmingly attractive. Is it her fault that you've been missing that in your life and that you're desperate for it now?
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No, not at all. But it is her fault that she did not read me properly. It is also her fault that she did not care to familiarize herself with my history before she attempted to treat me. (She admitted to this, since according to her my past was kind of irrelevant to the type of therapy we were doing.)
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It takes two to tango. Yes, your T has behaved in ways that have made you feel vulnerable and you've been hurt. But is it all her fault?
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Yes.
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Even if she broke boundaries and did unethical things, it is still too easy to play the helpless victim.
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She didn't break boundaries. She just did not treat me properly.
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Stand up and take some responsibility here instead of throwing a childish temper tantrum. Being the victim is easy and it feels good. Throwing blame around gives us the illusion of power. If it's someone else's fault, we'll get off scot-free in any kind of self-inquiry. You know that whole 'pointing a finger at someone'. Look at it. One finger is pointing and three of the fingers are pointing back at us. hmmmm
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Finger pointing doesn't solve anything. Now, how do I make the pain go away?
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Please take a deep breath and have the courage to take a close look at your own psyche, your own behaviors, your own needs, etc. What part have you played in this scenario to bring yourself such pain?
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My being an idiot for thinking that therapy was going to help me.