Hi Zoo,
First off let me start with stating the obvious that I really understand you and I think you know that we struggle with a lot of the same issues. I want to tell you that I think I am seeing. (having been there myself)

I think you are in need of reassurance from your t, testing her committment level to you, and absolutely 100% freaked out about upcoming ending of therapy with your t. (referring to your post that she was filing paperwork for a 6 month extension)

I know you are in a mess right now but can you stop and ask yourself what you need and then ask for it directly from t instead of trying to elicit that response from demonstrating certain behaviors? Example, you quit because you want to test her and see if she cares enough to talk you back into therapy. I'm not judging this because I used to do it myself all of the time. I would call and cancel all of my upcoming appointments and then I learned my t would tell the receptionist not to actually cancel my appointments and he would call to talk to me. In my mind that equalled caring and committment so I did it more. Well it eventually back fired on me where he grew tired of it and eventually he let my appointment times get filled (only once) and it was devastating. It was a hard lesson to learn and now I just call him and say that I need reassurance and he loads it on me. It feels great and we don't have to go through all of that.

To me it is clear that you need something from your t and you are trying desperately to get that need met. She can't guess what it is anymore and sounds like she is getting burned out from the game.

A couple of things that my therapist and I have learned over out three years is that I need a whole lot of reassurance that he cares about me and I am special to him. I need this even way more than your typical challanging five year old. I need to know that I am not alone and he is going to be around. And I also need to know that we will be some how connected as long as we are both living. We are not sure how that is going to work but we know that I can't do therapy effectively with that fear of termination. We also made a list of all the things he could give me or do for me and it helped to set the expectation level. We did this maybe a year ago. Then I had to take that list a sincerely think if it was going to work for me and make a choice. I am glad I stayed because we are at a whole new level in our relationship. We have a deeper connection and I am safe and secure.

I know personally for myself (a 10+ borderline)the threat of losing your beloved t is excruciating painful. And those words don't even really do it justice, I would venture to say actually unbearable. Can you ask your t what can be done so you won't have to sit with these abandonment fears? It seems as though you think if you control the ending it will hurt less. Which by the way is looking awfully painful for you. Maybe you aren't thinking that there is another choice but a termination. Check out if that is true. If you can have some sort of limited contact after your course of treatment you might be able to calm down a little bit.

If you don't like what I said or that I have been a little too direct you can tell me to screw off. I do care about you and I want you to feel more peaceful. I understand how big your emotions are. Your t can only respond to what you give her. She probably doesn't know what you are really freaking out about.