Fakingsmiles,
I had something similar happen to me. And I know what it feels to have reservations about expressing or recieving affection. I am so glad you let this out aren't you?
It is a beginning and I bet you are feeling very uneasy for letting you hang out here arent you. I went through that too. I tried once but I errased it. But you are leaving it, good for you.

Well you were very young and you just didn't understand and you felt frightened and didn't know who to tell. I know what that is like. But now you need to heal and address it. And that will really help you.

First, your body belongs to you. And you have to reclaim it. When you do that, than it will be easier to enjoy it in a much healthier way. Your not evil or bad or ruined. But you do need to talk about it and you should find a therapist, one that you can trust, and I think it should be a woman.

Now, I don't know how close you are with your mother, it may be too uncomfortable for you to approach her. But I am sure if she knew she wouldn't be mad at you, she would be mad that it happened to you. That should have never happened, they did not supervise at that school well, and they should be told that not only did it happen but that they have to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Those other children learned that somewhere, maybe from an adult, they will eventually suffer too and may even feel extremely troubled and guilty about it some day. They need therapy too.

I know it is hard to come forward but I am sure your not the only one, as you stated someone else now has suffered. Not fair for that other person either.

It is important that grownups know that this can happen and to take steps to make sure that other children don't experience this. It was not your fault, you didn't understand and I know you feel guilty. But don't feel guilty.

You can either talk to a school nurse, or a guidance coucelor, someone you feel comfortable with. But you do need to have therapy. You will learn how to address the nightmares and flashbacks. You can get over this, you have taken the first step. Good for you.

Lets think about the next step and see if we can help you figure that out.

Open Eyes