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Elysium · Jun 20, 2011, 06:58 PM

So, T and I have been discussing how I experience my dissociation, and she has been talking to me about how to "feel" my skin....and feel my edges. She says what she means is that some people who dissociate spend less time "in" their body's than others; that, even when they are present in mind, there is a disconnect between mind/body.

She asked me what it feels like when I feel my skin. And she didn't mean feel it in the way like a tactile sensation, but more of a perceptual feel....I'm not sure how to explain it. She asked "How does it feel when you feel the edges of your body?", which I guess is where your skin begins?

I told her that I didn't know, because I don't. I don't recall ever feeling my skin before. I honestly don't think I have. I don't spend a lot of time "in" my body. It doesn't feel connected to me at all. She asked me if I wanted to work on that and explained to me about how we would do that. I agreed, but was a little bit afraid.

What we did....T came and sat next to me and we turned towards each other. She held her hand out in front of me and said that, when I was ready, she wanted me to just lay my hand on top of hers, palm down and sit with it for a moment. I felt fairly safe with that so I did that and then she said for me to notice what it felt like to have my skin touching her skin....and she had me focus on that. Then, she switched it and asked me to notice what it felt like to have her skin touching mine. I guess it's the difference between touching someone and letting them touch you. I kind of felt the difference, but it was really challenging perceptually. Then she said to feel what it was like for both of us to touch each others hand....to feel what it felt to have both.....and I couldn't really feel that. I could feel one or the other, and it took time for me to get there, but feeling both me touching her skin and her touching mine at the same time....I couldn't get there. She said that was normal for people who don't spend much time in their body's.

When we were sitting there and I was trying to feel both of us touching, I got this really strong feeling that it was WRONG to allow myselves to feel that. I felt like I had been bad. It gave me the chills. I told T and she said that she could understand why I would have that feeling, but that I wasn't bad. She said that some people who don't spend a lot of time in their body's feel really wrong or bad because it's how they've learned to protect. By walling off their own physical sensation of other's touch.

Any one else done this type of work with T? I think it was a good thing, but it was very of scary. I just wanted to share.