I've been up al night - can't sleep. i fall asleep at the coputer, but when i lie down, all the hell of yesterday a,d what am I going to do starts running through my head.

Since my hubsnad lies abouy everything, it's pointless to ask him wha his intentions are - to marry his fiancee or stick with me. He'll only say what he thinks I want to hear or what covers his butt the best. So I'm left with wondering and waiting. I guess Icould go sign up for the Yahoo Personals, but it costs money that I can ill afford. The freeibe ad won't let you reply to anyone, ad won't let you list any contact info.

On no sleep, I'm rambling. Can't type, either. The anger and rage and depressioin is really bad.

I think he has worse mental problems than I do. His behavior is so erratic, so...insane....I wonder if he's schizo or bi-polar himself. He won't go to couseling, but Im very tempted to tell him he needs to get a diagnosis. I do'nt know...''Im tying to find a place of center and balance, but it's not there. Three days ago he was engaged to some woman. yesterday he loved me (or said he did - he did come home, and at least brought a little money. Why would he boher to come back at all, after he changed cell numbers and disappeared for almost two weeks? He could have njust disappppered forwever. Three days ago he listed the other woman (if there's only one!); yesterday he assure dme he would have me put n the list of contacts and change his address on the ocntract (for the lease of his truck with the company.) That's probably a lie - he won't do it.

My neighbor is telling me to "hone my wiles" and make myself more enticing, to get him to keep coing back and brindng money. I feel like a *****. I'm not good at being a vamp, anyway; I'm just an old tomboy country gal. A wWYSIWYG.

"To thine own self be true".... what is true? What is right?

Ihoped that by now someone might have read my earlier posts and had some input. I guess I'm in a hurry. I can't go on like this. I have to make a move, ne way or the other....fallinga asleep again... am going to try to go back to bed.

Still do'nt kno w if I'm in the right topic for this.