Quote:
Originally Posted by burtonsb21
Hey everyone,
This is my first time writing about this so bare with me please.I am a 21 year old male.In the past few days i finally admitted to being sexually molested as a little boy between 2nd and 4th grade by my neighbor(male also) who was my best friend at the time on several occassions. He mad me do things that i never want to do ever. Having finally opened up about this, it has caused me to mentally break down. Every moment of every day i am always questioning who i really am as if who i am is not good enough. Through out my life i have always had trouble trusting people and yet to this day i still have trouble doing that. I havent been able to hold a relationship with my previous girlfriends, and it has caused me to doubt myself as a man. In return this feeling causes me to have zero to very low confidence, self-esteem, and so on.
I have dealt with depression throughout many points in my life and i have used alcohol and drugs in order to deal with the pain. I feel as if my world is coming down crashing on top of me and it is too much for me to handle. i dont know what to think of anything anymore and it has even caused me to doubt my sexual orientation which i have never had any doubt about until recently when the pain of the abuse started to come back. Having been abused by a male it causes me to doubt my sexual orientation even though i know i didnt know better at the time, but it is always giving me anxiety attacks.
I have trouble sleeping, eating, and i have nightmares at times. I cry myself to sleep on numerous occassions. My stomach is always hurting as if i have to throw up and my back is constanstly hurting is i havent stretched in weeks. At this point in my life I am completely lost and dont know how to deal with this trauma.
I dont know what im really suppose to write on this, but if anybody has been through something similar like this i would love to hear back from you guys. Any help is much appreciated.
Thank you
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I was just thinking some more about you. I want you to understand that you were young when this occurred and so was the other boy. Now often a child can learn this from another child or even an adult. I dont where this other child had learned this but he may have learned it somewhere from someone else or he may have just wanted to see if another boy (you) would be able to feel the same, a part of understanding it.
So what you need to think about is that it can happen with children as they start to explore their own body and they discover that something feels good and it can be very innocent. They dont always view it as a grownup does, they just think it is something that feels good. And you may have participtated and felt pleasure and even had some reservations about it. But you are now 21 and you look at that activity very differently. So you are not really looking at it from a young child's perspective. A young child doesn't understand it the way you now understand it.
So some of your guilt and fear is that you are looking at it from the perspective of a 21 year old that really knows the difference. And just because you may have felt pleasure, just by experiencing how a body responds to a certain activity, doesn't mean you are a bad person. And it doesn't mean you are gay. It was just an experience that you had as a very young boy. It is very normal for young children to explore their bodies and they may discover this. But they don't really think of this like you do now. It would be different if it was a man that took advantage of you as a man does know the difference.
So try to remember this. Don't wallow in guilt over this, something happened and at the time you didn't look at it the way you do now. But back then you may have had reservations about it, that would be normal.
Now you are a young man, you understand sex now and what it means.
So, you are in your right to be attracted to a woman and experience your sexuality as a man, in a way that you now know differently. And you are going to learn about that too and it takes time to learn about this and understand it. Give yourself a chance and try not to feel guilty for your past.
Try not to let is say anything more than what it was. Take your time and see what you are as a man. Try not to let the past inhibit what you are now, try not to let it interupt you and confuse you into making a mistake or feeling you are something that you may not be.
If it continues to trouble you find a good therapist and talk about it.
That may ease your mind and allow you freedom to be a man now and figure out who you really are.
Open Eyes