I couldn't go home after my session. I went to the lake, bought ice-cream, and walked around in a daze, feeling miserable!

I hated my session though it is what my T thinks I need now. She said the last few sessions have been spent talking about transference and our relationship so there isn't time for anything else. Immediately I felt depressed about that. She wanted to do EMDR about my brother and said that will help, that my feelings aren't about her, but they are from my childhood. Okay, so I agreed though I was dying inside.

She picked the time or times he threw lit matches at me, which is why I'm afraid of fire now. But, being in the throes of my transference feelings, it was hard to picture my brother and the matches. I tried and halfway succeeded. I told her I was thinking about her instead, and she said that was all right, because anything goes with EMDR, but I knew it would be more helpful if it were about my brother, so I tried to picture the incidents. I remember the sound of the matches. I was in my closet, and he threw them but he knew they would go out. He wasn't trying to burn me, just tease me. I know once he "locked" me in the closet though there wasn't a lock on the door. I think my girlfriend was there too, I don't know whose side she was on!

So, after a time, my T wanted me to visualize how I could have protected myself. I said I could have torn the closet door down, or screamed at my brother to stop. My parents probably weren't home; he must have been around 14 and me 9, maybe. Or maybe 15 and 10, I don't remember.

We had to end on time but before that I told my T that I wanted her to hold my hand, and if she didn't I was going to quit therapy. I think I said that; I was kind of angry. So she did, but there was only about a minute left. I said "I HATE sessions like these" and I said something about feeling sad about her, not my brother. She says she thinks it's about him, not her.

Okay, we all know I'm not stupid, so why do I want it to be about her? I think she said because it's easier to think about her than my brother being mean to me. But I feel like she, not my brother, tore out my heart! I feel like I want to curl up and lie down and maybe wake up next week for my session. I want to call her. I want to email her but I haven't yet.

I want my T to comfort me and we didn't talk about that at all, just about how I can meditate to calm down. Maybe I need to do that.

I hate my T right now. She turned into my former T, but she says she's helping me. My brain knows that, but my heart is being ripped out. Can you guys PLEASE help?