Well... this is it. I left him.



I told him, "leave me alone. Don't call me. Don't drop by my house. I need to figure out my life and I can't do that if I'm stuck with you and all of your problems."

This is really the best thing I could have done for the both of us. Staying with someone out of guilt always seemed honorable but at the same time it is nowhere near good enough reason to be with someone like this. In fact if I were to stay with him longer, his chances of growth would only be impeded. I told him I didn't tolerate his actions in his past and present and that he had to change, but me always sticking around (and sleeping with him) must have sent him another (mixed) message - a message that was saying, "You don't have to ever change because I'll always be there to support you."

But I don't support all the bad things he's done in his life. All the girls he's gone after yet never committed to. All the mistakes he's made that his mom never corrected because he's a mama's boy and she's made him feel like he can do absolutely no wrong in life. No reason for regrets. No reason to change. And if he's using me as a crutch to feel some sort of distraction from guilt, then obviously I need to leave, if I ever expect him to change into the better person he needs to be (which he may never do anyway - another sad possibility I must consider accepting)

It is absolutely necessary that he be alone for a while - and that might include wallowing in the pity of his mistakes, snapping out of anger, and/or breaking down mentally and hitting rock bottom. I can only guess what "rock bottom" could mean in his case. Maybe my break with him won't be the last of his problems. Maybe it will be only a small link in the chain that will become a catalyst in his life. Or maybe there might never be a catalyst at all.

I am going to pray for him every day and night so that he gets out of this situation. If God wants me to see him again, He will let it be so. But in the mean time I cannot allow myself to have any contact with him, perhaps for years, perhaps forever.

*cries*