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This will sound extremely naïve, but as stupid as I feel for asking it, I need some advice.
I don’t do relationships. I’ve never had a relationship or gone out on a date. And because guys don’t tend to like me much (the last time I was really asked on a date was about 3 years ago, at least), and the abusive relationships I’ve had to witness growing up, on top of never having a positive male relationship/influence, I tend to not really look at guys or think too much into it. I try and remain ‘negative’ to talk myself out of any possible feelings for someone who could reject me, use me or hurt me.
So relationships terrify me. But now it’s got to the point that I can never tell if I even like someone anymore. There was one guy that I THOUGHT I sort of liked a few months ago, and then I found out he could be a bit of a tool, and was still in love with his ex. Everyone was adamant he liked me, but he didn’t. Then I started to think that maybe the feelings I had were just envy that he liked someone else and nobody ever likes me, and that want for some attention that I never get. I just can’t tell.
I wish for a relationship, but I find myself repulsive when thinking of myself being with someone, I can barely think about it without my skin crawling. Anybody else being in a relationship is fine, but me, no way.
Then there is all the trust issues and fear of intimacy. Once, years ago, I was watching movies with a friend and he staring holding my hand, I was absolutely frozen on the spot with panic.
So basically my question is, how can you tell if you have feelings for someone? I can no longer distinguish the difference between a need for attention and jealousy that other people can have relationships, and I can’t and me having feelings for someone, and I can no longer tell the difference between truly not liking someone and fear of a relationship.
The reason I ask is because, as terrified as I am to admit it, I think. That I. Like someone. (dun dun duuuuh). But I just don’t know for sure. I can’t get past everything else, and the constant thought in my mind talking myself out of it because I know he doesn’t like me and I ‘d be kidding myself to think someone actually would. When we saw each other last night it was just the 2 of us having dinner and talking for about 4 hours, and I really enjoyed it. When I’m with guys I do get thoughts running through my mind of ‘would I?’, ‘could I?’, ‘what if?’, and I usually get extremely uncomfortable. But this time it was different, I didn’t get that nervous, repulsed feeling, and I don’t think that’s ever happened before. I could actually think about ‘us’ and was fine with those thoughts, not panicking or desperately trying to change the subject in my head.
I just don’t know what to think…
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