I received a reply to that email that speaks of being hurt and accusing me of not going to my father's mother's funeral out of spite. I loved my Nanny, the mother hated her and that was when we stopped speaking when the Nanny was dying. The day of her funeral was the day of my daughter's adoption which had been on the docket for three months and I was not about to change it to go to a meaningless fake ritual.

I am in pain right now, I feel like trash, I feel dirty, I feel contaminated by HER and her denial of what I know. I feel dirty that I spoke with her or emailed her. I feel disgusted by her continous attempts to be a victim and manipulate. She made a statement about my perception being different from hers and the others. Referring to sibs, well, I am not about to out my sibs, they have survived however they have chosen but almost every one of the nine has spoken about their own harsh horrid abuse to me.

I only ever wanted an I am sorry or validation as a kid but now, I want nothing. I want nothing from them and I want nothing from sibs who to survive have continued to be her puppet. My T scared me today speaking of how we all remember things differently. 10 people in a room will report ten different events. It scared me, like am I lying?