I’ve been struggling a lot lately over what I like to call the ‘stupid therapeutic relationship’.

I’ve tried to talk about it in session, but she keeps redirecting to other things and when she did that in the last session, it was really frustrating and it really, REALLY hurt. I was following the understanding that you could say anything in therapy and this re-direction made me feel that was not true. I felt like I couldn’t bring it up again – that she didn’t want to hear about it again and that I needed to work out this struggle on my own … (and I still kinda feel that way). I was considering cancelling my next session or two while I thought and processed all of this. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to talk to her. Just the thought of it hurt too much. Why pay to feel that hurt if I can feel hurt for free?

Over the last few months, I have really lost my focus as to why I’m going to therapy in the first place and I think it’s about not being able to see the forest for the trees. The fear of being in such an intimate and imbalanced relationship sent me into a place where I that’s all I could see. I couldn’t see anything else.

Four things helped me get to a place where I’m not held hostage in FEAR’s grip:

1. Every time I felt myself pulled down emotionally by the hurt, I made a conscious decision to direct that energy in a more positive direction – into something constructive.
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2. I was watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and the trainer said something that touched a nerve: “If you’re scared of something, don’t sit there being scared of it ‘cause you’ll always be scared of it.”
   
   This really made me think. I was sitting there … being absolutely terrified of being in the room with my therapist … the feelings, the talking (or the inability to do so, rather), all of it. I hate it. I feel like an idiot ‘cause I can’t be as articulate as I want to be (and sometimes can’t talk at all), and it hurts. And it will always hurt if I sit here in that place of fear.
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3. rainbow8’s thread ‘please help me!’ – her post felt very familiar to me and I could relate to a lot of what she said. The responses people made in that thread were helpful.
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4. I had a conversation with a co-worker that reminded me WHY I made the decision to go to therapy in the first place. I’d lost my grip on the why ‘cause I was stuck in the fear. Fear and anxiety is one of the reasons why I’m there so it would make sense that everything would overwhelm and paralyze me.

The fear is still there, but I’m not holding onto it so tight. A very unfamiliar feeling. Hope I can hold onto it… and if I can’t, I hope I can remember how to get back here.

It feels more possible to go to my next session. My goal is to find a way to get help/support in managing the big feelings I have about her but not have it specifically be about her ‘cause that’s not working.

And maybe … just maybe, I’m trying to make it more about her ‘cause making it about me is really scary and is the last thing I really want to do. <--- that’s a really hard thing to admit.

Now… if I could be at a place where the boundary of no hugs didn’t hurt so much, that’d be great.

**If you’ve taken the time to read this, I greatly appreciate it. ***

p.s. Big hug to dizgirl for ‘listening’ to me on PM, helping me process part of this.