Sometimes finding out the reason that we hate ourselves helps, at least a little. However, my self-loathing continues on some days. Here was my conclusion: As a child when I was beaten for every manner of slight behavior (punishment for getting out of sight or dropping crumbs on the floor when I was barely walking and still in diapers...first memory, nice huh?) I had to decide if my parents were right or I was right. Since I was too small to defend myself or runaway successfully, in order to continue to stay with my parents (and not believe they were evil and cruel) I had to adopt the first version of self-hatred: "I am bad" and "My parents are doing this for my own good so I don't become a worse person." Just a thought. Does it sound familiar to others who have experienced child abuse?

I am afraid that my partner will die before me and I'll have no reason left to live.