There are so many new threads this morning! I'll come back come later to reply (off to music lessons with my boys) but I wanted to share a little bit about my session.

I think what I was left with was this:

1. There is so much safety and security in how well T knows me and how well I know T after so many years together. I almost feel like I've finally stuck around long enough to get to the GOOD part

2. My adult parts really ARE learning to take care of my child parts. I told T about a dream I had last night - I was driving my van, and the van was full of people in wheelchairs. And I told T it was like me driving around the other parts of me. And we talked about how much more often I am in the drivers seat now. When I started therapy, the thought of my adult parts taking care of my child parts felt super painful and unfair. Now that T has shown my child parts so much care, it's like I can take over sometimes. And it's good.

3. We had a moment in session where we went into the really really really scary yucky stuff. I wrote it on the dry erase board. T told me the parts he didn't understand and I tried to explain it more, in writing. He talked some and I kept telling him to "be careful" because I am scared that he is going to say words that are too triggering, and I know he was careful. I started getting lost and T helped bring me back. He said I had gone far enough for today and I could come back to now and leave it there. He said he wanted me to see that I can go there, dip into it, feel it, and still come back and be me. And it was hard, but I did come back. And while we were sitting there (we were both on the couch) T said something that whiplashed me back to that place and I said something and T got me grounded again and I was able to stay for good the second time. There is part of me that is really scared that if I tell this story I won't ever come back and be me again. I think T showed me today that maybe that's not true (although I didn't tell the story, I said more than I have before)

4. When I left I was sitting in the car and there was something from T's office that I wanted SO badly (that I had brought back to him today) and I felt really anxious and I finally just WALKED BACK IN (I've never ever EVER done that before) and asked if I could take it home. And he said yes and it was really weird to be there and not be "in session" but it was fine too.

5. I've had these moments of grace since my session that remind me that when I let some of the dark out of my heart, some of the light can get in. I hope grace and pain aren't always so closely tied together, but I'm glad the grace is there.

Whew. I didn't plan to write that much, but there it is. All of the yuck is worth it, I think. I'm pretty sure.