Hello Open Eyes ~ I appreciate your taking the time to respond to me in such detail and I keep re-reading what you have to say to me. Last night I had to ponder over what you are talking about and today I am going to start my art journal about this and see what pans out.
Yes, you are once again.........
spot on........... that having all that furniture that I replicated (it came with a high price $$$) and not being able to tolerate it. You were soo correct with that. In fact, I took everything my family of origin gave to me over the years, that I could not sell and donated it. I have a few things my grandparents gave me but that is it, nothing in my home reminds me of my family of origin now.
My sister, who got my mothers house and most of her wealth, I noticed during the trial, was wearing her clothes/shoes, etc and suddenly I realized my sister's need was to replicate my mother, in some sick way. When I asked her to build on an addition to my mothers home so that I could live there, due to my disability, I knew I was facing homelessness and her response was that "at least you know where you will end up". My last comment to her was "just because you are emulating mom, doesn't give you the right to abuse me and take that position with me, that's cruel". She just shrugged indifferently with no emotion. I will never forget our parting words and that was 6 years ago, haven't seen her since.
My family of origin had sociopathic tendencies, no guilt, no remorse and the need to destroy me, scapegoating (generational abuse). So, right now, they are enjoying their wealth with no guilt over what they did to me because they are hardwired differently. However, on a spiritual level, that is where what has happened to me through all the years, will make a difference for them, this I have to believe and is what is sustaining me. My daily walk through this life is all about forgiveness, and it is a daily process for me.
I don't love myself. I have lived with 60 years of self hate, self loathing. Over the past two years I have been taking Dialectal Behavioral Training and that is helping some, but it is too deep seated in me to change. I have tried, however, I have a need to punish myself, deny myself and give up on myself. Twice I tried to give up on life, but was unsuccessful.
There was alot going on all in one year: the death of both parents, the conflict over the Will, the trial, coming out of the domestic violence women's shelter and readjusting to life, the death of two beloved pets, a co-worker who molested me in a bathroom, 9/11 and my subsequent illness.
So, I think I will work on this daily art journal I have been creating and focus on this broken part of myself to see if this will help me manage these hugh emotions.
I hear your words of support Open Eyes. I have copied what you are saying to me out into a support journal that I keep on my desk to ponder over. What you said had a powerful effect on me and I thank you for your insightfulness
Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Oh June, I am so very sorry. That happened to my mother's mother and all her mother's things (she was an only child) were taken and she never got her mother's things, and she was very posessive of her things.
I have come to know that family can be very cruel when it comes to estates and money.
I am not so sure that having the things that were in your past would have truely been a comfort to you because of the relationship you had with your mother. And that money you did receive and what it represented, it was not something you could accept, I cant blame you for that. It was attached to a person who denied you and now I understand why nothing you bought with it made you happy. Material things cannot replace something denied.
But June, you have to love yourself, please don't deny yourself because of what your mother denied you. It was not that you were not worthy, it was her issue and you suffered for it. You must realize that deep within you. If you can do that, and others here have, you can be your own best friend.
So you have something to work on June, learning how to love yourself and not let your mothers issues be what determines your life. You just don't deserve that and I am willing to bet that you are the best of the bunch as if those sisters had any decency, they would have not snuck around you the way they did. Those actions of theirs will never change, they will own those actions for eternity. Just remember that. Anything that they got, they wont really enjoy June, because deep inside them, they will know just how they did it. So in reality, you are the better, I know you dont see that and yet somehow you do by the fact that you don't really want what you did get from your mother's death. And it is not that you never deserved it either. No, you have to give to yourself, and that means allow yourself to appreciate yourself, you learned a lesson, but that lesson is not your fault. The real curse or punishment will lie in the minds of the others that took and betrayed. You are the better. Let it go, it isn't worth the trouble and I think deep inside you know that. And you are not like them, your better.
Open Eyes |