I just need to get this off my chest....

I've been living in social isolation for about 5 years now. Literally. I don't go out with people. I'm not invited to parties, etc. I have no social circle at all. Up until about a month ago, I'd constantly dwell on it and feel ashamed. But now I feel a shift: I've grown used to it. I don't feel comfortable around people anyway, so I've given up having a social life. I've never been one to have a lot of friends, just a few close ones. Right now, I'd say there's only one or two that I'd even reach out on occasion.

Same goes for romance and dating. After 10 years of being single, I think the shipped has sailed on having a relationship. In fact, I know it has. I'm not going to meet anyone, not now, not ever. I have too many issues to expect anyone to accept me or love me. It's just how it is for me. As with my social life, I'm gearing up my mind to accept that I'll be alone from here on out.

I really wish I wasn't typing this. I wish my life had turned out very differently - to the point where I wish it were the complete opposite of what it is. But I can't change how I've made a complete mess of everything. The damage is done. I own that. They say you're always exactly where you should be in life. I'm living proof of that.

So, I think I need to NOT get my hopes up for friendships or relationships or love. None of it is ever happening for me and I'm better off letting go of any false hopes. I'm now looking for ways to cope and somehow be happy again without any of it.

As always, thanks for letting me vent.