I think this is a huge part of my problem. I feel like FOR SOME REASON (was it something she had no control over, was it deliberate, etc.) my own mother ruled my childhood with such a strong hand that I don't altogether feel like the years were "childhood". I want some happy memories or some sense that I ever felt loved. I grew-up feeling more controlled than loved.

My mother is 89 years old, in good health, her mind is sharp, but she would pop before she would say anything lighthearted, happy, positive, complimentary - and, she'll immediately get angry if she hears me tell someone who has asked about her that she is doing well. She'll correct me and say she is doing horribly, that nothing is right, etc.

Holidays are a big deal for most children. For my family, they were (and still are for my mother) obligations to be met as quickly as possible with not even a pretense of fun or enthusiasm.

While most parents encourage their children to succeed, my mother wouldn't do anything like that for any reason. When high school was over, she decided what college course each of her children were to pursue. She never has approved of her sons-in-law or daughter-in-law and thinks her grandchildren are all rude because they don't want to spend time with her.

There is no doubt a lot of folks grew-up in worse environments than I did but I guess, in spite of how hard I try to forgive and forget, a bitterness still lingers, a wish that can never be granted to, as Erti said, start over. Sometimes I just wish I'd had more of a chance to be who I could have been had someone encouraged me rather than discouraged every attempt I ever made.