Week 2 of T being on vacation. Just kinda venting/worrying "out loud."

My biggest concern when my T told me about her vacation and I realized that mine would be right after hers, meaning I'd miss 3 sessions, was not that I wouldn't be able to cope without T. No, my biggest concern was that I would start to pull away from the connection I had with my T, and not be able to pick it back up when sessions resumed. I have a very hard time trusting others, and confiding in them, and the pattern with relationships has been that if I don't maintain contact with someone, I lose that feeling of trust and it's a struggle to get it back. Plus, with my previous two T's, I shared something deeply personal that I've struggled with, and then very shortly after, we had a break of some kind, and then those previous T's never went back to that issue, I wasn't able to bring it up again, and then we ended therapy, and it was left completely unresolved. I'm terrified that's going to happen again, and I don't want it to!

My current T knows of my past experiences, she knows this is a concern of mine. She's reassured me that we will pick up where we left off, she won't forget what we were working on, and if I can't bring it up, she will. I'm trying really hard to trust her on that. She hasn't let me down yet, but I'm still afraid the past will repeat itself. My T even said that I could email her while she's gone so that I can keep that connection going...as long as I understand that she will not be checking emails while she's on vacation.

So, I emailed my T last night. I can totally feel myself mentally pulling away from my connection with her, and I needed to put it in to words, and let her know what is happening. It helped a bit to at least get those thoughts out of my head, in to writing, and sent away. I've gotten used to being honest and thoughtful in my emails to my T...and this one was no different. The difference is that I wish I hadn't been quite so honest. I told her that I've halfway managed to convince myself that this is the end of therapy with her, even though she's reassured me that it isn't, and even though she said she wouldn't let me "fire" her without a bit of a fight. I told my T that I feel like I don't deserve to be in therapy right now, that I don't deserve her time, that I'm just wasting her time and mine. I also told her that I know these feelings are just a defense mechanism...trying to protect me from disappointment. But, knowing that doesn't really help all that much. I'm a little afraid that she'll read my email and agree that I am wasting her time! She's never said anything like that before, and I can't really imagine her doing so...but there's still that fear.

I HATE this!