hi LMo

Thanks for your reply... I feel really touched at your long post and how you bothered to help.

To add on, I totally understand what you mean now and I will not take it personally... I understand their need to vent their frustrations just as I sometimes feel frustrated that my SO do not seem to understand me. It's a 2 way road and both parties are at a losing end. Right now, he refuses to acknowledge my depression and BPD without even trying to do more research on it.

I have been to a T who diagnosed me as depressed many years back (I had an ED, SIed, and was sexually assulted as a child) and 2 weeks ago I just went to a counsellor who told me to read up on BPD as he feels that I do show symtoms of it. I'm feeling rather alone on this as nobody know about this other than my SO and yet he refuses to take any action and told me not to take any medication. I think it's just his way of refusing to accept my problem and hoping that it will all go away. He said that he's always here to talk to me but it's not helping as he will end up telling me how weird I am and how my mentality is all wrong etc. He also cannot understand my eating disorder - I'm anorexic-bulimic.

I really can't cope with all the backlash I'm getting from him and I can't tell my family as I do not want them to worry about me... they are living far away from me and worrying about me does not help in any way as well. Right now it's only him and me and I've got nobody else to turn to for help... it's not looking good and all I want to do is get well... and to top it off this was triggered off by him (his lies and a couple of 6 figure debts due to gambling). I was getting by fine for almost 10 years. Sometimes I just want to fall into a deep sleep and never wake up - this is like a nightmare!

I'm sure glad I found this site.... even if he's not interested to help me I'm sure I'll be able more than determined to get well, of course with all the mutual support and understanding from all in this forum. At the very least I'll be able to gain some new friends and be able to lend my support to those who need it

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LMo said:
Ok, I have GOT to chime in on this one. I hope this makes you feel better and not worse, but please read this knowing that I'm at least TRYING to make you feel better...

First of all, the people in that thread all appear to have BPD SOs (either spouses, g/bfs, parents). I belong to a support group for SOs of people who are depressed, and let me tell you that what is happening in the thread you pointed us to is TYPICAL of people of support groups for SOs. Sort of like "it's not YOU, it's THEM".

In my other support group, and I believe in the one you posted, I should first say that emotions run very high. I'm not excusing anything, but if these people weren't stressed out, then they wouldn't be in the support group. I dated a guy with BPD and my husband was severely depressed for a few years, and let me tell you that as compassionate and empathizing as I try to be, it was NOT easy. The times when they needed understanding were usually the times they would lash out the hardest... and it's really difficult to put your own hurt aside and be nice to someone who isn't being nice to you. When they were nice to me, it was of course very easy to be nice back. It was when they were lashing out that was the most difficult to stay empathetic. I will admit that I've said some hurtful things to my husband when he was depressed, because his depression was affecting every single part of our lives and I was very frustrated and felt helpless. I didn't want to hurt him even for a second, but I needed some empathy and understanding, too.

The other thing is (and this is more important than the above) that almost EVERYBODY has a difficult time discerning the difference between one's personality and a personality disorder. I mean, to be fair, how is anyone supposed to know? This phenomenon does has two polar effects:
1) it causes people in failing relationships to blame "the disease" and stick it out even though the other person is clearly no longer committed (this is really common in the SOs of depression support group)
2) it gives people a wide-open forum to make generalizations. THAT is the part that pisses me off the most. Any negative personality trait gets cast into the pot of "the disorder" and next thing you know, all affected people are stereotyped. It's not fair, and it's frustrating to watch it build up.

Fortunately, my experience at PC has given me the chance to get to know MANY people with different personality/health concerns, and it's much easier to understand the person behind the disorder now. But remember that not everybody has had that chance. Most of them only know one person or have had one experience, and they may be a little scarred from it.

And while I haven't had the opportunity to get to know sunsetbay yet (welcome, btw!), I do know that Janniebug is one of the sweetest, nicest people I've ever seen on PC and that you deserve every bit of understanding and empathy from people online and in real life

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