On the other hand, I'm different. I've been pushed too hard by my parents as I'm the eldest child.. they enrolled me in all kinds of courses from ballet to art classes, to piano and organ and even violin classes and I've always had some kinda tuition classes and I sort of exploded due to all the unrealistic expectations due to me. I soon began to withdraw after I learnt that I can never live up to their expectations. That's when the rejections come in... they start comparing me to everybody... to them 99% is never good enough... I began to feel so inadequate and that's when feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem comes in.

I started to dissociate myself... telling myself all this time that their love and acceptance is not important. I think my isolation began at the same time... and it only makes matters worse as my parents began to think that I can never live up to their expectations of a perfect first child. This lowered my self esteem even more and the vicious cycle of isolation begins. They then began putting my brother through the same regime... pushing him to his limits. I've sort of faded into the backgound... have spoken to some of his friends and learnt that he was feeling jaded (not too long ago) and rather cynical of life.

Sometimes my fear of rejection leads me to reject things/goals or people before they can reject me. I've given myself tons of excuses not to embark on a passion or project for the fear of failure. I'm also so afraid of rejection that I'm like a people pleaser most of the time... so afraid that they may reject or dislike me if I'm not up to their expectation. This leads to lots of stress on my side to be the person that they want me to be... I'm always the ever helpful one... cheerful and chirpy at social gatherings.. its gets tiring putting on a mask all the time as you'd mention but I can't break out of this cycle. Being an introvert at heart I feel my resources being drained out and at the end of the day I would just want to unwind and have some "alone and me" time before I hit the bed.

Gosh... your last para describes me to a perfect "T". I'm exactly like that... whenever people ask me how I'm doing... I always say "fine" with a smile. I can NEVER ask people for help because I feel that I'm not worth the hassle and trouble. Even from my mother and best friend... I feel so bad just asking them for the simplest help which will be along the way for them... if they did offer to help I'll feel so obligated that they are going all out to help me (that's what I feel although I will not think twice about offering my services to anybody who needs my help) that I will be so apologetic and offer them a bigger "help" as a form of compensation e.g. "I own you one", "I'll buy you dinner one of these days" etc.

Thanks for your posting... I thought I'm the only one feeling like this... so refreshing to hear somebody actually going through the same issues as me.

Take care TimeO

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time0 said:
It's really hard to fight this one.

People with APD usually were rejected as a child leaving them with a feeling of not being good enough, not lovable and to hide their feelings.

By trying to see your qualities and your self worth, it can help you regain self insurance and self esteem.

For me, isolating myself only reinforce my low self esteem and my low self worth. This site has help me to not isolate too much because I can communicate without putting myself right in the middle of it. I also have the choice to back off when ever I feel I have too.

People who suffer from APD has a real hard time with rejection. Not only becuase of the person who has rejected us but also because we give power to the rejection without even knowing it. When this happens we really have to take a step back and anylise the situation because sometime it is not as bad as we feel it is.

We always have to work on ourself and push ourself to communicate and not put ourself down which is a real struggle with us. We have a tedency to give ourself s**t because we feel we are not worth nothing and surely not lovable.

In real life, face to face with people I wear a mask all the time. I would be dying on a street and people would ask me how I am and would answer " I am fine thank you. Do you need help?". It is a struggle to ask for help because I don't feel I are worth helping.

But there is a lot of people out there who can help us out. It is for us to ask.

I think to keep our communication open is our first step in the right direction.

Take good care!


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