Oh, (((((((geez))))))) I am so EXACTLY right here. After almost 4 years of therapy with T.

I guess I try to be gentle with myself and realize that there was just no. way. I could feel safe enough or have the grounding and coping skills to even KIND of let myself consider "going there" before now.

Right now T and I are talking about talking about it. We've been doing that for at least a few weeks. It's really, really hard. At first, all I could say about it was the MOST general thing (almost just "there is something too scary to tell you"). As of today, we've worked our way up to me telling him about the loop in my head of why talking about it will make me a horrible person who will never be okay again. We haven't come close to saying the words, but dipping into it a little teeny bit more every time and then pulling back out is making me EXPERIENCE that maybe, maybe, maybe I will be able to talk about this without losing myself forever.

Baby steps. What if you just tell T "there is something I need to talk about but it's too scary" and go from there? Go as slowly as you need to.

Holding your hand, if you'll let me. I know how hard it is