just wanted to share that things this year have been going well for me. i still have my ups and downs, but they are more settled, and the really bad downs haven't lasted as long as they have before. i look back and go wow - - i've actually managed to come really far.

i started seeing pdoc when i was 20, and now i'm 26. "progress" for me has been slow at the best of times, and oftentimes it's felt like things were going backwards. i remember pdoc at one stage (at many stages) suggesting i drop out of uni altogether, because he thought it was part of the problem and couldn't bear to see me struggle. but uni is one thing i've never been prepared to give up, and thankfully i've been blessed with an amazing doctor who was gracious enough to support me against his misgivings. so pdoc stuck by me for 2 years while i enrolled in 10 subjects and failed every single one of them . but he was still hanging around when things started to turn and i passed one or two, and eventually completed my undergrad and got accepted into honours (it's a prerequisite in australia to study postgraduate psychology)).

and somehow from not having anyone other than my ex when i was 20, i've managed to reconnect with some of my girlfriends from high school, and i've managed to make real friends at uni who i socialise with outside of class, and i've moved out of home and the world hasn't ended (yet). this year in particular has been amazing - i've got social support that i've never had before, and my supervisor is honestly the best person i could have hoped for in terms of just being a steady person who can encourage me along. and i'm terribly fortunate that everything has come together the way it has, but i also know that if 20yr old deli had been faced with this situation that it wouldn't have been remarkable. somewhere in going to therapy with pdoc and austin-t, i've learnt how to trust people and to be a bit vulnerable, and even though i still kick myself and tell myself i've made a huge mistake, it also feels more 'ok' to share my downs and anxieties with "real" people. my best friend is struggling with cancer, and a few years ago i would never have mentioned it to anyone (actually, a few years ago i wouldn't have even had a close friend, let alone someone i'd consider intimate enough to be a "best" friend), but last week i just went into uni and ended up crying with one of the girls there. my supervisor knows i'm panicking about my thesis, so he drops by where i work every now and again to check in on me and we often go for coffee together just to take time out and catch some sun. my friends from last year love me enough that they know that if i bail on a social event it's because i need some serious alone time, and they're ok with that. i used to feel so guilty before when i would bail, or i'd still go out and just feel awful, but my friends just tell me to take the time out that i need & that they'll still be around when i'm up for fun times.

and so it's been 7 months through this year, and i don't know why things have come together now, but i know that the previous 6 years of therapy have certainly played a huge role in allowing me to connect with other people. things sometimes get really, really bad, but i still have pdoc and austin-t for those times. it's so bizarre - i've only seen austin-t 6 times this year, and pdoc maybe 3 times. there used to be a point in therapy when i was see austin-t every week, and pdoc at least every fortnight. a part of me misses having them so much in my life, but my life is kind of full now without them and i don't need them so much anymore. i saw pdoc a week ago, and i dropped by austin-t's office just on the spur of the moment to say hi (hadnt seen him for 2 months). he was really pleased - he'd just pulled out my file (it was sitting on his table) because he wanted to call me to see how things were going. and we ended up having a coffee together and just talking about our research projects, and it was so weird because here i was talking to my therapist as if he were just a colleague (we were talking about different conferences we'd be going to, publications we had lined up etc) and it was really nice, but also a bit odd that someone who's meant EVERYTHING to me at some points is someone i don't need so desperately anymore.

im not pretending that therapy is over for me. there are things that i still need to address (big things, oh yeah), and my depression still hits like a tonne of bricks at times, and i do need pdoc & austin-t during those periods. but, gosh, i never thought i would be where i am today -- not when it's taken so long, and when i've struggled so hard. and it's not like everything is "perfect" - i'm doing a degree that i could've done 5 years ago if my depression hadn't hit, i still can't go out on dates with guys, i no longer have a job, my doctor thinks i might have a melanoma - but it feels more "ok" these days. and i think the only difference is that therapy has helped me open up. mainly because i've just practised, and practised and practised with pdoc and austin-t. and been hurt but tried again (LOL the number of times you guys have had to bully me back to seeing pdoc), and been vulnerable, and sometimes felt safe.

anyway, just wanted to share, because i know that when i've been in the trenches of therapy it's been really hard to trust that one day things genuinely would be better. so many times it's felt like it's caused more problems in my life than not. but things have just come together this year, i don't know why, but i know that if i hadn't done all the work with pdoc & austin-t that i would've missed this opportunity to appreciate it and live it as much as i can. so, yknow, just keep going guys .