Things have been feeling really settled with me - ther have been a few things going on this week at work, that were very difficult, but I seemed to be coping well.

Then someone at work spoke to me about someone else they had concerns about as she had disclosed she is self harming - I ended up talking withe her and encouraging her to see her doctor. It was weird talking with her - being able to empathise, but not being able to share my own experiences.

I then today had a conversation with my mother about self harm - she has no idea that I do - she then revealed to me that my cousin who was murdered when he was 18 (about 20 years ago) used to sefl harm and had cuts all up his arms - I had no idea.

His mum and dad split up and his mum was really mean to him, used to tell him she didn't love him, didn't want him. He ended up a bit of a bad lad and I remember he asked my mum and dad if he could come to live with us - they said no. He was on remand in a young persons secure unit awaiting a court appearance. While there I understand he got into an arguement with someone else who had a knife - and my cousin was stabbed several times - there were numerous cuts on his hands so he had tried to defend himself - but sadly he was eventually stabbed in the heart and died.

It was all very sad at the time and I know his mum has had a lot of guilt to work through - life had also been hard for her.

But today I am left with this overwhelming pain and sadness, not so much that he was killed, but I can't get it out of my head that he must have been experiencing emotional pain before hand to want to self harm.

The calmness I had been feeling has been taken away and I feel back where I started, anxious, sad and feelings of dread. I have been trying to do what my T said and just try to be interested in the feelings rather than overwhlemed by them, but it is really difficult to escape them - on top of everything I feel so disappointed I thought I was getting better.