Echoes thank you so much again for replying. There is so much in your post I identified with and it means so much to have someone who 'gets it'.

It is so strange that you mentioned you dream about gaps. I had an intense dream the other day about climbing a huge rocky cliff and needing to jump across from one edge to another. It's strange because I knew the gap was small enough to jump across but I still couldn't do it because I was too scared.

I understand that concept of not feeling heard and a lot of my issues are around this and not having the right words in order to be heard. The developmental aspect is something we have touched on in therapy a few times but I have a hard time reconciling myself with because it seems to be so blaming even though she says it isn't about that at all......I understand what you mean about the process of therapy now, I never really could make it a straight line in my head until I read what you wrote. It makes a lot of sense.

I liked your description of how you feels when you feel alone. For me it feels like I don't exist and everything feels so far away from me. It's like I've shrunk like Alice in Wonderland. I'm not sure what response I want from my therapist. I often say I want to feel whole...and I guess my ultimate response would be one that even if for a milli-second allows me to feel that way. In my head I would want her to give me a circle but I'm not sure what that means in non-visual terms. Do you have any ideas? When I'm angry I often think she's maliciously holding back the solution for me, I think that is natural when you feel really desperate. Thanks so much again for your post.

Swimmergirl - thankyou for your reply. I'm not sure if I feel the hole is filled even partially but perhaps it is plugged or at least at times I am able to forget about it for a bit so that is very helpful. I think you are right, I think something wants to be heard, I wish it would hurry up and identify itself though because I'm sure it isn't nearly as dramatic and awful as it makes me feel and likely thinks it is! I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Crash&burn - I have said that often too. Emptiness. How can you describe a nothing adequately....