I know I haven't been posting as much as I usually do. Sorry for that. On another note, I have been having Sui thoughts for over 3 weeks now and I am hearing the voices again.

I sent my Pdoc a text (or texts) last night. I don't usually tell her this stuff because I know she doesn't like talking about it and wants to focus on the positive stuff instead. This is what I sent:

Dr. _____ I know you don't like hearing this stuff but I've tried hard to ignore it and not talk about it. I feel bleh, empty and ...... I tried focusing on positive stuff and I tried eating healthy and exercising more but it hasn't helped. I feel worse than I have in a long time maybe ever. The voices make it worse. I feel completely drained and it's not about being strong or Borderline or whatever it just feels too much. I wish you would give me something to help and make the voices go away but you won't right? You will just say focus on your cats and play with your nephews and stop acting so borderline and that I'm exhausting to work with or something like that. Please don't be mad at me. This is how I feel and I'm having no success at trying to change it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am falling apart and I don't like it. I really want to give up but part of me doesn't. I need the voices to go away and it would be much easier if you gave me something but you won't. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Part of me wants to sleep forever and I just don't know what to do. I hate being me. Sorry but I kept all this in too long and now it's all coming out at once. Dr. _____ I'm scared. I don't know where all this is coming from. I really don't like feeling like this. What do I do??

She responded this morning, this is what she said. -remember she doesn't hold back!

Stop focusing on all that old sh--....you need to focus on how good of a person you are....that's why you need to get busy volunteering with others...stop focusing on all the bad....it's sickening to hear when you are a good soul and could help more people. Stop that f---ing victim sh--...it's so not true...and old part of you keeps making it a focus...focus on good things...go and join a meditation group...,I am sick of you listening to victim sh--....Go and do more good things for others.

I replied saying this:

This is why I don't tell you this stuff because you are sick of hearing it and apparently it is sickening. I don't choose to feel this way on purpose. If Icould I wouldn't. I don't think Oh I should play the victim sh-- card. The voices don't make it easy for me. It fu--ing sucks. But unless you have heard voices before I don't think you can really get how bad it is. It's frustrating when I do things that are supposed to help and they don't. I don't understand how feeling empty and hearing voices is victim sh-- but it probably doesn't matter anyway right? I guess there's just something I don't understand. You are able to prescribe me something to make the voices go away like you did before and it worked well but now you choose not to. I don't get it.

So far I haven't heard back from her yet...Anyways here's a for anyone that read this whole thing. Thanks for reading and listening to meif anyone wants to comment feel free as always.

Cats