I was in chat today and i told people about this, but i would like to make it a post.

When i had a suicide attempt four years ago, i slit my neck in two places. But i was so depressed, i couldn't feel it. I had no respect for my body, to do that. The only reason i stopped was not the pain, but the frustration of getting no-where. I lost very little blood, and never found anything but a small vien.

It's healed now, and i have long pale scars in it's place.

Here is the problem.

My schizophrenia gives me a symptom which i call 'numbness'. This means i can't feel my body, it is like a machine, an object, a 2-D drawing, a subject of SOMEONE ELSE'S judgement. An evil, awkward, unwanted, ugly, fat, immature, unloveable, presence.

My schizophrenia is being treated now. And my 'numbness' is going away and being replaced by sensation.

This is where my neck comes into it. It's like i can feel it now, the pain of cutting on myself, the pain of hating myself, the fear of dying, the sadness of missing people, the regret and shame of giving up, and the sick feeling in my stomach when i push that blade into myself and violate my right to live.

Very intense stuff!

So i put a scarf on to make my neck feel better....but i am still so scared of the pain....it's like i'm going to die and no-one will ever forgive me. I think of what other people will think, the think how dare she hurt us in that way (i already know that's what my aunt thinks), they feel sorry for me, they feel so so scared for me...what if she does it again....how bad she must have felt....what if one day i feel like that....i don't know how to help!

I don't really expect any advice, cos there's not much i can do. Nor do i expect anyone to have been through a similar thing, because i have had unusual symptoms.

But some sympathy would be nice.

Thanks,

some