Yep. More ranting from me (Out of curiosity though, next time I want to rant, should I just dig out my first rand thread and do a reply?? I don't want to appear spammy, or to annoy anyone)

I'm so empty. I called my mother, to ask about insurance forms of all things. She acted like she has better things to do than talk with her own daughter. I had planned on talking with her, but I'm so hurt right now that it isn't even funny. I do realize she may have been busy, but did she tell me that?? NO. (So here I am as a result, not the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last. I can't seem to NOT take what people seriously and as a personal attack... Can anyone get dehydrate from crying? I wonder...)

Sad thing is, I was actually told that telling my parents that I'm miserable sitting here in residence and finding university difficult may be a good thing. I had doubts about it before, now it seems like an impossible-to-complete suggestion. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, and I don't want to make anyone guilty, but is it to much to ask to be CARED about?

Oh, and my roomate here at university is driving me bonkers. I'd love to scream at her, for all the crap she pulls, but I don't have the strength to do anything constructive now. She thinks that its her responsibility (since I'm not doing so great) to run my life. I THINK NOT!!!

(Sorry, I realize now this top part may be better suited for the Relationships forum, but this next part really doesn't fit there...)

All I do is hurt. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I quit a website b/c I didn't want to hurt anyone on the forum there, but I didn't leave my reasons. I really don't want anyone who's known me as a "happy" person to find out that I'm really miserable. I can't stop hurting inside. When I want to cry, just to relax for a sec, it doesn't happen. NO, it has to happen when I'm TRYING to be happy, to get on with my life.

And all I can think is that I deserve it. I'm tired of people telling me to stop being so down on myself, to stop self-depreciating... But when you've been doing it for your whole life (just in my head, until recently... I can't seem to shut up on occassion now) its impossible.

I keep thinking these thoughts, and I'm not doing myself any favours.

Is it even possible to be in emotional pain and yet be emotionally numb as well?? I don't feel happy or other emotions, just sadness and emptiness, and loneliness and then numbness as well.

I do realize that the time has come to actually get some help (other than the very nice counsellor, she's remotely helpful, but since she's leaving in April I doubt anything substantial can come out of a weekly session with her now) but I can't do it. I'd have to admit I don't have control, that I'm not happy, and that I have a lot of unresolved things that I still need to work out.

Oh and physically... when should a person start to get worried about their physical health?? I can't stop my gag reflex (no, I don't have Bulimia), and I'm constantly shaking (really, my hands haven't stopped quivering in a few days) and constantly feeling queasy, dizzy and achy. (I do realize that I may not be over my flu, but I think I am. And NO I don't have any diagnosed physical disorder that could explain these symptoms... And I've been forcing myself to eat, so minerals/vitamins aren't the problem)

This cycle of wonderful (HINT: Really bad sarcasm, sorry should have warned you, I'm horribly sarcastic) depression isn't going to stop by my sheer (but crashing) will-power and determination.

Why must I feel like this??