My last session was really interesting, and was around the idea of "No' and what that is about. I can't even remember how we arrived at that, because going in I had no idea what I would like to talk about. I can't remember all we talked about either, but you understand that

We talked about "No" being many things, such as "I have my own ideas about that." and how "No" is used to convince me that there is nothing "out there" in the world for me - that there is plenty out there, but it is not for me. It is pretty automatic. It keeps me in self-exile, in a prison.
We talked about it being developmental, about how a toddler learns that "No" has such power. And that growing up without thoughts and feelings being validated, an internal and automatic "No" can be internalized so that we take ourselves away from our thoughts and feelings. (I used to be sent to my room until I could "stop crying" or "be good" or "behave". I eventually just took myself off, pre-emptively, when I felt like crying, frustrated or about anythig. I made it look like I was doing something else: reading, cleaning, resting. All was tolerated except the resting though because, like feelings, I was only allowed to feel tired if my mother felt tired.)

It was really interesting and my wanting to move came up again (another taking away) and T suddenly said she was having a fantasy about me moving and so she shared it. It was just about what it would be like, and I think she would have liked me to join in but I couldn't. I was too caught up in that she said this and then shared it. Next time, though I want to be spontaneous and join in and take off with it. I almost think part of the reason she did this was to show that it could be done and kind of a how to, because I am so concrete.

I sent an email later that night. She replied briefly, as she sometimes does.

Here is what I sent, with the subject line:
Wow!
Dear T,

Tonight's therapy session was so interesting. I can't believe we talked a whole session about the word "No" and I feel like there is more to talk about and to think about. I didn't want to leave! My regret afterwards, though, is that I couldn't engage in the fantasy [about moving]... that I couldn't be spontaneous and say "Yeah!! That would be.... ". This is just what I imagine spontaneity in therapy to be like, to let my mind 'out' of it's confines, to be willing to dream and imagine and use that to explore. To be excited and say "What if....!"
Thank you for sharing what you were fantasizing. It felt okay, a really good okay. When I've thought of sharing fantasies, it felt like it would be too much or that I was crossing a boundary or not being realistic about the therapy relationship, or something.

The longing for 'mothering' (and/or 'fathering') seems as if it is held onto for good cause; as if it answers to the issue of the automatic "No". Like an unconscious quest to find someone who will come and prevent that automatic "No". Like you do, for me, when you ask me to look at my true feelings to see if I really want to say "No", or when I am pushing something away but you see that I the pushing away doesn't fit with other things I've said. When I'm incongruent. (new word I learned today).
So, that longing that is there--maybe to serve the purpose of telling me what I need - still after all these years it's there. It is something I can provide for myself (as much as I don't want to admit that) and that I think I have been learning to provide for myself, in a small way that I downplay or am not fully aware of. I think it lacks passion yet.

It is part of my own rescue?

Thanks for sharing about your granddaughter too. I love that you noticed that, her wonderment that her mother could have a thought all her own, that didn't match hers.

When I was in the waiting room before the session, I was feeling like I didn't belong and that you might tell me that too. Then it turned into such a great session!

ECHOES

~~~~ and her reply:
Wow back! I'm overwhelmed by your depth of feeling and the insight and expressiveness of your writing.
T

I am not real expressive in therapy, although I have come a ways with that.
I really like the "Wow back!". It just makes me