Hello Soup ~ Condolences for the passing of your grandfather It sounds like you have your plate full right now with emotional triggers.

I wanted to talk to you about emotions and I hope this helps a little bit. I took Dialectal Behavior Training for 2 years and I learned new skills to manage big emotions. Before I begin, think of a number 1-10, 10 being the highest emotion. Okay, so here we go.....:

1. You are not your emotion, you are not the sum total of the emotion you are experiencing.
2. There are primary emotions and secondary emotions. Emotions love emotions. Primary emotions cause secondary emotions unless one can observe and describe them just as they are............ emotions. Primary emotions are hardwired such as anger, sorrow, joy, fear, disgust, guilt, shame, surprise. All others are learned such as anger + disgust = contempt. Contempt is the secondary emotion. Secondary emotions can confuse the primary emotion reaction that is called Ambivalence, which is more than one emotional reaction to the same event.
3. The key is not to judge yourself when you are having the emotion, don't analyze the emotion, don't act on the emotion, accept the emotion as just that, it's an emotion and step back from it by self-distracting with something self soothing. Walk away from the emotion. Leave a room where you first felt the emotion and radically accept the emotion as just that, it's just an emotion and it doesn't define who you are. You are separate from your emotion. I make collages to represent my emotions. Then I fold them up and put them away, containing the emotion, so I feel safe and separate from that emotion.
4. I experience a big emotion as a tital wave. I imagine myself riding a bright pink innertube out in the ocean and a big wave comes along but the innertube helps keep me afloat and I am able to ride the big wave. Experience the emotion as a wave in the ocean. Waves come and waves go. What color would you like your innertube to be? Or would it be better to be a raft or surfboard?
5. Put yourself into the present moment, don't think about the past, nor the future, after all, you only have this one moment to live in. You cannot think of two things at the same time, so I feel safe when I practice grounding skills as it keeps me in the present moment and it diffuses the emotion I was experiencing. Do you know what the five senses to grounding are? Let me tell you... taste, smell, sight, hearing and touch. Tell me what you are seeing right now? What are you smelling right now? What are you hearing right now? What are you touching and how does it feel right now? The present moment can be a safe place for you. Being mindful that the negative emotion will end by applying opposite action. Every emotion has an action urge and by applying opposite action to the urge will reduce the intensity of the emotion. This action urge is hardwired and is a natural experience. Learning to distract yourself during this emotion reduces vulnerability.
6. Do not treat emotion as fact, because they are not fact. However, some emotions prepare us for action, as when a threat is justified. Do not judge your emotions because they are not fact.

This is just a brief introduction to emotions for you to think about. Now answer me this, after reading and thinking about what I just said, what is the level of emotion you are feeling now (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest emotion)? So, the next time you feel the urge to cut, try applying some of these principles. It takes alot of practice but don't judge yourself if it doesn't always work