T has big changes going on in his life...big enough that I am aware of them, and we have talked about them in session a little bit (nothing super personal, but just information). I know that this weekend he is very, very busy with those changes, and he will be for a while.

A lot of it has to do with doing things around the house. I love to do things around the house (like repairs and painting and stuff) and so does T. (H HATES it). I spent my childhood, teen years, and young adulthood following my dad around while he did house projects, learning and helping. We spent hours wandering the aisles of Home Depot.

T said at the end of session on Thursday that he feels "fatherly" towards me. Part of me wonders if he was triggering me on purpose...or maybe trying to give me the experience of a certain type of "fatherly" love...or

Anyhow, most of what we're avoiding in therapy has to do with my dad. My hands are numb typing this, honestly. We have NOT said the word "dad" in session, I haven't written it, I don't know if I ever will say or write it (honestly). Although sometimes writing things here first is a stepping stone.

I know T and I both know what I'm talking about in session, but every time he opens his mouth I say "please be careful" and he knows that I can't go too deep too fast and he really IS careful and I love him so much for it. Maybe more than I've loved him for anything up until now. He is helping it be slow and safe.

But. I feel...lonely? maybe?...for T. I want to be there with him doing house things. I mean, I really, really want it. I know we would laugh and have fun and get things done. Obviously, that is not something that would ever happen in our relationship and I truly treasure exactly what I have with T, exactly how it is.

Some younger part of me is ALL stirred up right now. The longing is SO strong. I'm trying to stay busy and even to do my own house projects but I'm lonely and given what's going on in session, it's hard, and just. BLAH.

That's all.