So, it's not something that just came up now - but it's helping you to want to negate the boundary that was set. Can you look inside yourself to see if there's anything there worth exploring?

I know that there have been times when I've just had a longing to make contact with my T, and I would come up with some reason to email him just so I could get a few reassuring words from him or just to make some kind of connection. I'm just wondering if that may be playing a role here.

As far as the sui thoughts, I'm sorry that you're enduring that right now. I've been in that place before, and I recall feeling so out of sorts, so down on life, so hopeless, empty and lifeless. It felt impossible to ever imagine getting out of that deep dark hole. One thing my T has always encouraged - when I'm at that awful place - is to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING....if it's something enjoyable, great! If not, then at least it distracted me for a little while, so that I didn't fall deeper into that hole.