As far as the sui thoughts, I'm sorry that you're enduring that right now. I've been in that place before, and I recall feeling so out of sorts, so down on life, so hopeless, empty and lifeless. It felt impossible to ever imagine getting out of that deep dark hole. One thing my T has always encouraged - when I'm at that awful place - is to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING....if it's something enjoyable, great! If not, then at least it distracted me for a little while, so that I didn't fall deeper into that hole.