PTSD, wow, such an overall generalization of a human psychological conditon.

It is almost like saying the word chocolate and not recognize how many different ways one can experience chocolate. Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, chocolate fudge, brownies, dark chocolate brownies, light chocolate brownies, candy bars.
There are many kinds of chocolate. Maybe that is not a perfect analogy. But if I were to go to a therapist that never really ate chocolate but everyone talked about it, then maybe I would just be spending a lot of time trying to tell the therapist what chocolate really was and tasted like and how may ways I have experienced chocolate. The therapist may be familiar about the recipe but not realize how many different kinds of chocolate there are.

I think about that when I think about PTSD. And just as there are many differnt kinds of chocolate, there are varying degrees of PTSD. I think that a lot depends on the history of the patient and how much chocolate they had and how important it was in their life. Too much chocolate consumption can make someone ill or even have side effects that are unpleasant.

Personally I have a lot of issues that I am addressing with my own diagnosis of PTSD.
And I sometimes get so bad that I can only take it moment by moment. And I get very frustrated with it.

I have become much more aware of triggers and though I have identified many of them and try very hard to overcome them, I still get triggered. For example, one of my triggers is the sound of doors closing. I have been all over it and it did come out in a flashback and I became very aware of it. I have told myself over and over to ignore it, on not let it bother me. But, I can be quietly typing here and all of a sudden my husband opens a door near me and before I can even think, I am flushed with anxiety and I have a jump out of my skin response. And that makes me very angry because I have been really working at not letting that bother me.

My husband is a big trigger. He is so cirtical and literally has to discuss my every move or critisize me so much, and for him, it is such a habit. Now, I have been working very hard on this, because often when I spend a day with him it takes me several days to recover. I hate that too. And I am addressing a lot in my life right now and I am trying very hard. I try to stay in the moment to try to get my anxiety under control, an anxiety that seems to just come at it's will. I hate that too. I really hate it and am trying to figure out how to prevent that as well. ( Just want to mention my husband was an alcoholic, 20 years sober, but still has behavior issues, some call it dry drunk behavior) At least he is recognizing how bad he picks, and there really is no reason for it, he just has to pick, and it has been work for me and work for me to address this. But there are those days he gets on a role and I am in some kind of battle of getting him to stop. It can really feel like being with an unruly child and it wears me out.

Yesterday was pretty bad. I have been addressing an injury to one of my horses, one that I love very much. I had already lost a lot 4 years ago due to a neighbors negligence, I wont get into that. But the injury to the horse I have could have been prevented. I did address an unsafe gate and asked my husband to fix it several times, it wasn't something I could do myself and he is a builder. And I ususally get that reaction where I am just being too parinoid. Ok, now I have to look at a beautiful horse that has nerve damage in his face. Half of his mouth is paralaysed, and I have seen some improvement and yet is is still there. I have already invested $2,000 addressing this horse, well, actually, I still owe most of that amount.

Now I have a real hard time looking at this animal as it brings back the memories of all the animals that were damaged 4 years ago. I was not ready to have something new happen, especially to an animal that was one of the brightest spots in my life during the past four years.
I do get emotional and try to message his mouth and I feel terrible for him. I have a hard time looking at him and then the others and I do want to run, but I can't. So I come here to PC alot just to think about something else.

The last visit with the vet was considered by my husband to not be necessary. I was too concerned, should have not gone to that expense. My concern was if the animal was getting enough fluid as horses sip, they don't lap up water like a dog. How can he sip if half of his mouth if not working. But, my husband felt that visit was just unnecessary.

Now my daughter comes out and sees this injury. She is very upset (I have been extremely upset about this horse myself) and she is acting like I am not doing good by the horse and that I should now be having a chiaropractor visit the horse. And my husband and daughter discuss what I am not doing for the horse. And my husband has not mentioned how very much it has been bothering me and that I have spent a lot already. And then it becomes a discussion of what I have not done instead of recognizing that I am trying to address it. And it is the mentality of crititisizm that doesn't need to happen and it is not productive in any way.
It can be very straining emotionally, the same as saying please stop this poor behavior and what part of that did you not understand?

I don't know how I got through yesterday. I was lectured by my husband and he critiqued almost every move I made, even my driving and my way of handling life and how I don't look at things right and on and on and on. So, after several hours of this I was driven into rage.
I was up all night last night, don't know why, my medication usually knocks me out.
I have all kinds of concerns and I feel like I need a big time out, but I can't seem to get it.

My husband finally appologizes, but its too late. And I know this because I had to sit through all those triggers and frustration and critisizm and I got to the point where my thoughts were going to very bad places. And I know it is from being so frustrated as I do set boundaries and they are ignored.

So when I go and talk to a therapist I have to know they can understand WHAT I AM TRYING TO DEAL WITH AND UNDERSTAND, ESPECIALLY THE UNWANTED PAIN AND ANXIETY. Now, I know that a therapist cannot change my life or pay the stack of bills on the table or deal with my aging attorney that is a big question mark for me or even fix my horses face or all the other damaged animals I tend to everyday. And I cannot run from any of this, it is my responsiblity to try to stay on top of it and try to deal with it, try, try, try, one day at a time.

But I do need for my therapist to understand how bad it is, it is real, it is unwanted, it is misunderstood, it is challenged, I am challenged, I NEED HELP AND GUIDANCE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. I don't need a therapist to say it doesn't exist. I know it takes work, but I need a therapist to HELP ME DO THE WORK AND GUIDE ME. I certainly don't need to pay another person to tell me that what I am addressing and having trouble dealing with is my fault etc.
No, I need a therapist that understands that I am really stuggling and validate me and help me get through it. Yes, the work is up to me, I get it, but it is hard work and it doesn't change over night.

In case you havent noticed I am venting a bit here.

Open Eyes