I have this horrible tendency to take an intellectual view of things like this. I research and study and decide that my abuser must have been abused himself. And those who abused him must have been abused -- in the long run I had decided I was the responsible party cos he must have seen something in me that made it alright to abuse me. So he shouldn't be punished I should. Has taken me three years of therapy to be able to see that and realize how foolish it is.

I can cuddle just not dring the time I am falling asleep, asleep or waking up. I woke up too many times with 'him' in my bed. As long as I am awake and aware I do ok even enjoy the relationship. But those times when he would feel connected throughout the night I would be awake all night. My therapist has me doing 10 to 20 minutes of cuddling before we go to sleep. Some nights I can hardly wait for him to go to sleep so I can shift away from him and sleep myself.