Hi SadNYNJ:

You could have been writing about me too! But I do accept it, and I have taken a very long and thorough look inside of myself, and made a very thorough list of things I want to experience before I die (none of which really voluntarily involves other people) as I don't think I'll ever develop a tolerance for people's junk. My daughter is in high school and very social, and we talk about the differences between us and our choices - she takes people as they are, and I know I could choose to do that, but I see them hurting her (not too badly - she knows for herself when to draw the line), but I choose not to bring that sort of unpredictable pain upon myself. It's never been worth it for me, and it throws me to a much greater extent, as I've done my best to give her a good childhood, and mine was WAY too unpredictable and unhealthy. I know EXACTLY what you're saying about not having a significant other - I have too many issues to try to pound myself into a relationship too - i know it would never work, and it used to KILL me that I couldn't get married again, but I'm starting to find a lot of online groups (like this one!) in which I can be anonymous - I live in a pretty big town with a VERY small-town mindset, and EVERYONE here just wants to control you or blame their own insecurities on you or pounce on anything that you think or do that's different in ANY way from their own, really really really boring lifestyle (I've lived in big cities - it really just isn't like that there - no one cares what you do - they're not constantly judging you every moment of every day - and I could probably move back to a bigger city someday, but right now I have to just withdraw. I found a few other websites where I have access to people from all over the world - i can discuss art and literature and music and be bawdy and I'm never as bawdy as the other members, so I can see that I'm not a complete jerk or a nerd or weird - which is how people here make me feel when I say ANYTHING - anything at all. Now that I've stepped back (and I'd say it has been about five years for me too) I see how much pain I used to put myself in, trying to please and/or get along with people who were just plain jerks underneath. And I can write stuff at 3am - just like I'm doing right now - i couldn't wake up my husband and talk to him like this if I was married - it'd be a horrible mistake. I'm really starting to believe in online friendships - I think they're better all around. And it's really cool that this forum exists - I can't get as "mental-health-ish" on my literature website as i can here - they'd be scared - but people here arent'. I don't know - it isn't like it isn't really sad and scarey to me sometimes - I'm not belittling what you're saying - it's really hard, truthfully - but not as hard as being social - and I really think I have a much better perspective on how difficult social interaction is - now that I have so much distance from it - it really really really is unhealthy sometimes. Forgive me, but I'm almost beginning to think that we (man in general) were NOT meant to be as social as we are. And I've DEFINITELY felt for a LONG time that man is not meant for marriage - heck - I even felt that before I got married! But I can't say things like that to ANYONE here - even spouses that everyone knows HATES each other - they won't get a divorce, just because divorce is wrong. They HATE their lives, and they're very very successful financially and have huge houses, but they'll never allow themselves to divorce. It really makes NO sense when you look at it. I don't know - I hope this is helping, and not seeming like some rant.