i am sorry i am not able to respond to each of you individually. this just really has me turned into a basket case. my 23 year old son came over last night unexpectatly and found me a blubbering mess.

it just seems like lately t has been wanting to "be closer" and that is scary to me. i have been seeing for so long but always keep him at arm's length, never sit close, never look. and now i am suppose to share. in my journal i write the most crazy insane things. just trying to get them out of my head. t has told me in the last month that he doesn't hate me, i thought for a very long time he did and my fear is after seeing what i wrote, he will hate me all over again. it is soooo making me not wanting to breathe. scared petrified, terrified, etc. i am not sui. just soooo scared. so wanting to hide. so wanting to disappear. ... sorry so bad, sorry so long