Jaybird's post made more sense to me. I never thought I was an angry person, but maybe that is denial. I guess I don't know what "rage" really means. My rage is all directed inward. It comes in the form of alcohol/drug abuse, cutting, going from one extreme to the other be it food, sex or whatever. I have NO IDEA what moderation is. It's all or nothing with me. I know I do have abandonment issues and I never ever want to be alone. I am afraid of growing old alone, so some of the choices I have made, have been really bad ones. I have been in several bad relationships, all of which resulted in the guy leaving me. I let them treat me like crap because I don't want to be left alone. I keep searching for that one man that can handle me, so I try and sabotage everything right out of the gate before I get attached to them because if they are going to leave, they should do it before I fall for them. I did this to my last boyfriend. I put that guy through hell. He put up with it for seven years. I'm lucky he even still talks to me. I love him so much and I am trying to get it through my head he doesn't want me. I wasted most of my 30's on this guy. Now I'm in my 40's and I don't want to look for anyone else. I don't understand why he won't just accept me the way I am and love me anyway. Sorry that turned into a big rant. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it, the friend I do talk to is sick to death of hearing it. Can't blame her. It should be so easy. It hurts. I'm trying to learn to not need anyone. If I am going to be alone and that's the way it is then I want to be happy with that.