Sorry this is kind of long.. its a serious question. Please no trolls!

i make progress but then i just shut down. I want to stop doing this and i research how to stay with with it... Everytime i have epiphanies about my life i just kinda feel helpless and out of control. Like i wonder if im just doomed to be a screw up

a little backstory first -- i was pretty manipulated by family growing up. I am NOT ungrateful just trying to deal okay?

I was basically raised to trust none of my own thoughts; ganged up against. They didn't realize they did this to me though and they deny it to this day. My mom was emotionally manipulating and made me never trust myself. I dont want to be this squashed helpless person but how?. I dont want to be helpless but when i get liek this i cant bring myself to do anything. I want to just have power and control over things in my life. Good thing is i went to college in another city and had a lot of determination but i realize mroe and more how screwed up i am.

i dont know if im good enough; no matter how much i focus on trying to be focused i have good weeks and bad weeks. i know its in my power but at the same i dont know how to stop having bad weeks. All i want is to do good. I dont go out and decide " gonna fail this week" my mind gets lost. when im with friends time passes so fast. im not an alcoholic but i worry i will be one if i go in the opposite direction

I try to stay optimistic but being too optimistic is bad, I Dont want to be a pessimist though; i used to be that, it was terrible. How do you just be in the middle?

no matter how i try and control my situations; its like the deeper i go i feel like im blown around more

It took me a while to decide on rigging (my focus in college) because i thought i wanted to do something else; now i feel like i have to rush. I want to graduate
how do i keep going when i feel totally slow. im too hard on myself too. everything i do takes so long.. i have these ups and downs--before they were tolerable. lately though they are like roadblocks. i AM making progress but this program im learning is hard... i keep getting stuck/ feeling like a moron.

my parents dont really care what i do anymore. they do not give much support are there any shrinks out there who could? if i go in the other direction i dont know what I'll do.

i have a shrink btw, but i dont always know how to organize thoughts in there like i can in typing.
thanks in advance