Ok, somewhere along the line you have never been in control of anything. The desire for Control is a normal human trait. And it is merely based on a basic instinct to survive. Somehow you were never given a structure to follow. The structure being, sleep, waking moments, activities within those waking moments that revolve around gaining knowledge and an understanding of your surroundings, and a safe enviornment to do those activities including a parent that accepted and loved you and encouraged you to interact with your enviornment and others within that enviornment.

Somehow you did not get the proper safe enviornent you needed to slowly define your surroundings and begin to learn how to interact and safely learn in that enviornment. And because you have not had that, you punish yourself by turning all your insecurites by that lack towards the one thing you have, YOU. So what happened in your youth? Where was the focus when you were growing up?

What you have to do is RELEARN what you have missed and begin to learn how to express yourself by learning about your enviornment and finding REASSURANCE AND
ACCEPTANCE. Right now all your focus is on yourself and because you never got some kind of acceptance and appreciation and you are punishing yourself. You have been trying to change YOU and manipulate YOU. What you have to learn is to look at YOU and self identfy and begin to FOCUS ON your enviornment and how to learn and figure out what you can and cannot do and what you can do best.

What you have to LEARN is how to read a book and enjoy it, perhaps go sailing and enjoy it and learn how to adjust the sails and control the way that boat glides with assistance from the wind, go and sit on a swing and pump and see how high you can swing and feel it contol it enjoy it. Find a horse farm where they teach riding, brush a horse learn how to lead it, learn how to sit on it, balance youself on it when it walks and take the reigns and steer it and see how far you can go in contoling how you can sit and gain balance and posture and slowly gain control. What do you like to do? Learn more about that and let yourself try different things. Perhaps just cover the mirror, children don't really see themselves at first, often they think it is someone else in the mirror and they often try to talk to that reflection, they don't even think of judging it. You have to learn how to be external, not constantly internal. If you have learned to be internal, you can learn to be external and somehow you have not learned how to be external, that is what children learn first.

All the internal stuff comes much later, and if there no real external comfort, there will be too much focus on internal distaste. Cover the mirror first. Or, take it away.
Only have a mirror that you can see your face and brush your teeth and comb your hair. Often times children don't really do too much of that when they are young, usually it is the parent that does that and their main exposure to the mirror is to learn how to brush their teeth. Young girls do play dressup and look in mirrors but what they really look at is the outfit, not really themselves. So when you dress yourself, pick an outfit and put it on and don't look in the mirror. Clothing is just a garment to cover your body, nothing more, don't give it too much thought. Dont stare at magazines with images of women that are not really real, just people who's pictures get altered in a way that will appeal to women, it is a well studied trick of imagery. It is so studied that all packaging right down to the shape of a bottle for a soft drink, to a bottle of makeup, perfume and so on is designed by appealing shape. These shapes are actually tested by putting several shapes in front of people and seeing how the human pupil reacts when a shape is viewed. Did you know that?
Pretty tricky huh?

You have to step back and learn how to EXTERNALIZE and GAIN COMFORT IN CONTOLING by gaining knowlege about things and activities THAT INVOLVE INTERACTING WITH EXTERNAL OBJECT AND ACTIVITIES.

Think about this. This is where you need to begin to look away and eating is just nourishment that helps you have strength to enjoy external activities. You have to relearn the basics.

Open Eyes