OMGoodness! I am terrified! My pdoc today told me, after I was describing something to her that I have a mild form of d.i.d. and it WILL get worse if I don't get therapy, which I can't afford.

When I get actively suicidal it's like some other force takes over and I'm all of a sudden above my body watching myself make the attempt, horrified at what I'm doing. In the past, when I've been in therapy, even when we were talking about trivial things, I would start to separate from myself. I would find like others have said that I don't recognize my surroundings yet I know it's familiar. It's so surreal, it's like my mind and body separate. It usually takes a couple hours to re-integrate body and mind. When I'm in that state I look at my body and it doesn't look like me.

I had a major dissociative episode 7 years ago when the little girl inside my head took over. I wanted to kill her but realized that killing her would be killing me. What started bringing me back was my husbands voice on the phone. It started happening again later that night but I fought it tooth and nail and kept reaffirming what I knew was real. After a while it eased.

I'm so freaking terrified. I have schizo-affective and have had psychotic episodes and I thought that was scary but this for me seems far worse.

What I need from you all is your thoughts on the progression of the illness if left untreated. Is it like addiction that progresses downhill unless treated? Please, please help allay my fears. Right now I think it's more depersonalization but I'm just so lost.

Love and Hugs,
Tara