I just started a new job. I haven't worked for over a year and I am also trying to change my attitudes toward (outside) work. It has always made me feel especially depressed because I imagine these people want more from me than I am able to give . I think this comes from my past. As a kid I had to (basically) take care of my mom because she couldn't always take care of herself and that felt like a job to me at a young age.
That being said, I have been in therapy a lot over this year so I am trying to make this opportunity different from the past. I have to. I've always let work make me depressed and toss me into a downward spiral where I feel like my true-self disappears for the sake of my job.
But now my partner is asking stuff of me. Just stuff like "why can't we go away this weekend etc." I have explained to her that I am spent. I just don't have the extra energy to pack and go away and that she is welcome to, I won't mind. But I am left feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough. I know I have needed to get a job... and now that I am there it is a lot of work, mainly trying to be self-aware and make it a more sustainable experience. I know this is an old voice that tells me, "no matter how hard you try it won't be enough for everybody." I know I just need to take care of myself. But it is difficult at this moment. I love my partner (very much) but sometimes I feel frustrated with her and with everyone else who "needs things" from me. I have a fantasy of going off by myself where no one can find me.