Hiya all,

I know none of you can diagnose me. I don't want that. I want understanding and support and help in understanding what I am experiencing. Having said that, here goes...

A little background. My father was a drug dealer and my mom divorced him when I was two and a half. She remarried my step-dad when I was five and by the age of six he began doing his pedophile thing. I also had twelve surgeries from the age of three months all the way to seventeen for bilateral cleft lip and palate. I never wanted any of these surgeries but because I was under the age of consent I had no say in the matter. Also, when I went to university I was raped the first year. Needless to say, I've had quite a lot of trauma and it makes sense that I would have developed d.i.d. I can honestly remember what I call "checking out" when I was going through the abuse. For instance, staring out the window at a particular star and losing myself in that star. Or staring at the furniture in the room and losing myself in that. It's only because I used to get "lost" in the furniture that I'm able to recall which house I was in during whatever memory I get back. I think, if it was that furniture then it was that house and if it was that house I was x years old.

Back seven years ago I was in treatment for anorexia/bulimia. I had to write my first step of how my illness came about. When I started writing I came out with this story about what it is like inside my head. I wrote that inside my head exists the little girl that used to be me. Inside my head it is a big warehouse full of boxes that are stored full of memories. It is the little girls job to make sure the warehouse stays tidy. Some times boxes fall down and memories spill out. Normally she puts these away and restacks the boxes. However, there are times where she doesn't know what to do and so pics up the memory and shoves it in my face. I experience this mainly as flashbacks and nightmares. It is when the little girl does this that I turn my back on her and turn to the anorexia/bulimia.

At the time I thought I was just being creative in trying to explain what it was like to be me, but now, after having my pdoc tell me I have mild d.i.d. I'm looking back at times where this may have come up into my conscious being. I mean why do I see other people inside my head. Like, there is a crossing guard inside my head. When my thoughts start racing out of control I force her to go into the intersection of my mind and hold up her hand and yell stop. The thoughts will then stop and she can direct them to come one at a time, which makes it easier for me to cope.

Sorry this is so long, I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm experiencing. I'm terrified right now especially because I'm starting to get new memories. Before now I had practically no memories before the age of ten. Now I'm starting to get those memories back. So far they have been either positive or neutral but that is just an indicator that the negative ones are coming.

HELP! Please please please please please help me. I feel like I'm losing it!

Love and hugs,
Tara