I want to do it. I miss the instant gratification. I want to feel the blade inside my skin. Why couldn't I have my T tonight?! All that happened is I was thinking about eating/weight issues while driving and my mind wandered over to this. I really want to do it. I find myself trying to think of a way to get away with it. But I can't! I have a physical scheduled next week with my primary doc so I can get a change in one of my meds, and I have pdoc next week--both on the same day! I am taking off work that day. I am going to be so scared and nervous that day. I am guessing that the reason my primary doc wanted me to come in for an appointment to get a medication changed to a long-acting version is that he most likely heard from another doctor in the office about my bad habits (eating/weight issues, cutting, etc.) It won't go over well if I am cutting again when I go in--not at all! And I don't know what to expect when I see pdoc either because I confessed in a voice mail a week after my last appointment with him that I had lost more weight than what I'd told him, and how F'd up my blood sugars were and all kinds of too much info. The previous appointment first thing when we got in the room was it looked like I lost weight. I got a little nervous and probably appeared more hyper/ADHD-like, because he questioned on if/when I took the Adderall that morning. I am scared of trying new meds whether I need them or not. Look how long it took for me to agree to take just one?! I just know that he will want to add more. I am sorry for the anxious rambling. I still want to. I am afraid.