Oh WOW.

Had session with T. Part of it was really lighthearted and nice and then we got into the dark stuff. At the end of session, T said "if we dipped a foot into the pool last week, how far do you think we went this week?" and I said "probably up to our waists" and he said he thought so too. That's a big jump.

I was BACK THERE in my head and it was soooooo uck. And just...yuck.

I told T how I used to count the swirls on my ceiling and at the end of session I told him I couldn't get the ceiling out of my head. I finally ended up drawing it and SCRIBBLING it out. I was scared to scribble out the whole thing...like, what if I still need it there to count it? But I DON'T. T talked about the ceiling and he said that it was there when I needed it and it helped me but that I don't need it anymore. He asked what we should do with the picture and I said I didn't know and we decided to rip it up. I asked him to and he said let's do it together so we did. And he said it's so imprinted in my head that it may come back but I can tell myself "I don't need that anymore" and let it go.

He told me about the hardest thing he ever said in therapy. Not what he said, but how he felt. When he told me, his voice got all shaky. He said he felt like he was going to die, but he knew he wouldn't and he didn't.

When I was coming back from the yuck in my head, T had pulled his chair close and I was holding two of his fingers with my hand. I tried to feel how solid he was, and how solid I am.

And while he was filling out my receipt, he was sitting with me on the couch and little bits of it would pop into my head and I'd sort of shudder or shake my head, and T would say "I know, it's okay".

He gave me a long hug at the end. I know he doesn't think I'm a the big pile of yuck that I dumped out there, but it sure feels like I am.

Blah. I don't know. I guess that's it.