It's been a new record. I went 63 days without cutting. Today was a bad day. I ate too many calories, I burned too little, I smoked too much and I cried too much. The pain inside me screamed "stupid stupid stupid dumb fat stupid." I remember when I would get hurt and mother would kiss it and the pain would go away. I replaced mother with a razor. I hurt, the blade kisses my skin, pain vanishes, numbness washes over.

FAST-FORWARD
One hour
Bleeding stops. New cuts.
Two hours
Bleeding stops. New cuts.
Three hours
Bleeding stops. Feeling faint. New cuts.
Four five six seven hours.
Blacked out. Crusty blood hangs on my skin. Below my skin I see the fat. Can I cut it out?
Have I ever cut this deep? Tears fall on my thick fat skin. Stings. Serves me right because I'm just not enough.

I remember the instructions.
1. Look over preset Goals
2. What can I do to work to these Goals.
3. Collect thoughts, negative & positive.
4. Throw out negative.
5. Meditate on positive thoughts.
6. If negativity continues, tell some one.
7. If negativity continues, take one pill from the orange bottle with that white cap.
8. If negativity continues, call that one number and talk to that one guy. The one with the scruffy beard, the one who smells faintly of cigars and newspapers, the one who says those things you know are lies but you nod anyways.

What am I on, #6?
Just because I follow the instructions, it doesn't mean I need to, want to, have to.