Sillystring1,

Personally I don't think that it is always necessary to force yourself to remember and re-enact the acts. Unless these are coming out to you in your dreams or flashbacks etc. I don't see a reason to try to view every detail and relate it to the T. This is just my personal opinion but I really question the act of reliving a trauma and focusing on it in great detail.

What is more important is to focus on that child instead and realize the age of that child. For me I work with children and I have looked at children that are at the age that I was and it made me realize how little I was and how unknowing I was. Some people feel guilty inside and have self hatred or self punishment or shame and they really need to think about the fact that young children just do not understand that type of situation like you do now looking back. And it is amazing to me how much people punish themselves because as a child they got involved in an activity that has such a label on it. And some people cut themselves and punish themselves so much and they allow it to run or ruin their lives. And if there was any kind of innocent pleasure involved they find it repulsive and they just don't want to recognize it as they see it with a tremendous amount of guilt.

So I have remind you that YOU WERE JUST A CHILD and no matter what happened you were not prepared to understand it at that age. It is natural for children to explore their bodies and they do discover that something happens when they do certain things. But when they are young they don't really understand what it means and they don't view it the way adults do at all.

So when you are looking back you have to look at the age and was it another child involved and so on. And the whole purpose is to look at you as a child and realize that you just did not understand and it frightened you. BUT YOU WERE NOT A BAD CHILD and depending on who else was involved, if it was another child, remember, it was another child.

So what your real goal by looking back is to know you cant change it and you are going to realize that is was scary and confusing but that inner child was just a child and is in need of comforting and self acceptance from (YOU) THE ADULT. So what you have to think about is if a child that age came to you, HOW WOULD YOU COMFORT IT AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? Now really think about that, would you yell and hate that child? Or, would you sit and talk to that child and hug that child and say to that child, I am so sorry, but you are ok, I am here and it was not your fault." After all your just a little child and you didn't know any better."

That is your goal Sillystring1, not to be that child again, but to go and comfort that child and let that child be loved and know that it was not that childs fault. And once you do that, you can be an adult and have a life and even make love on a more accepting level because it really does not involve that child, that child was comforted and forgiven and loved.

So feeling sick to your stomach and running and all of that. You are the adult now, all those feelings are what that child feels. So you need to be strong and think about that. Picture the real child that was you and how that child needs to be comforted and released from those feelings of being frightened and confused and feeling something terribly wrong. "Little Jimmy pushed me when I was on the swing, child crying, I fell and scraped my knee and why did he do that? sob, sniffle short breaths of fear." That what you are addressing, not in that exact way but you are walking up to that child and that child is frightened, put the child in front of you and COMFORT IT AND KNEEL DOWN AND HUG THAT CHILD. You would do that for another child wouldnt you? Sure you would. So that is what you need to do for that child that was you.

Things happen in our lives that we do not understand. And we tend to carry the pain and guilt and feel it necessary to be embarrassed or angry and blame ourselves or carry these events and let the feelings of these events be part of everything we feel now. And it is up to us to address it and recognize that it did happen and at the time we didn't really understand it and we were overcome by it. But that doesn't mean that it has to keep happening or we are damaged or we cant allow ourselves to enjoy activities that may have been involved in that event.

Actually, it is much like falling off a horse and getting shook up and stopping and thinking about if that is the end of experiencing a horse OR are you going to climb back on and be even more determined to ride a horse? I have dealt with this and been there with children and encouraged them to get back on (I myself was thrown many times, and got back on, I was stubborn and just worked on hanging on better) . Most of the children got over it and COMANDED IT and we worked together to learn how NOT TO LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN but to also realize that we got through it and did not let it stop us from learning how to ride and enjoy and command a horse.

And that is what LIFE is all about. Are you going to let that experience STOP LIFE? No, you are going to comfort that child and then YOU ARE GOING TO EXPERIENCE LIFE AND LEARN TO ENJOY IT, EVERY PART OF IT, INCLUDING ALLOWING YOURSELF TO ENJOY LOVE and everything that love entails AS A STRONG ADULT. YOU have to be the adult now YOU have to take charge of YOU. So you have to be stubborn and determined and tell yourself, I AM AN (ADULT), I CAN AND WILL ENJOY AND EXPERIENCE MY LIFE.


Open Eyes