I've always had low self-esteem problems, and especially where men are concerned. Before I met my DH, I'd had a string of horrible relationships that were cut short (rejection is a big issue with me), or abusive, or never monogamous. I've always been in a sort of twilight world with men. Nothing ever ripened or went anywhere, and I was 40 before I ever had an actual relationship.

My relationship with my father was stormy and sexually fraught - he had feelings for me that to his credit he never acted on, but his leering and inappropriate comments about my body when I was an adolescent shook me up and made me feel dirty. My father wasn't emotionally available, and my whole life I've been searching for his replacement. I finally found my wonderful husband, who is younger than me. Because he's younger, he doesn't trigger all of the crazy hero worship mixed with feelings of hopeless love and anticipation of cruelty and abandonment, that get churned up in me in my relationships (even casual ones) with older men I sometimes encounter.

New problem - I'm an artist, and I met another artist at a site where people can post their own work. This guy saw some pics of me and came charging out of the gate like a house on fire (guess I'm mixing my metaphors). I was so wonderful, so hot, so talented, so amazing, so this and so that! It turned my head.

I guess I've been bored. I started to become addicted to this guy's email messages. He was flirtatious immediately, so it wasn't like we were writing a lot about our common interests, although we had them. But he was making it clear that writing to me was sexy-time for him, and that's what he wanted. I was baffled that he could feel so apparently strongly without knowing me, or knowing anything about me, but the whole thing was so amusing and intriguing that I just went along for the ride.

So we discovered we had a mutual fetish, and started corresponding about it in ever-more explicit emails. At this point I started to feel incredibly guilty - it was like having an emotional affair, and I knew it was something I couldn't tell my DH. But I kept doing it.

I began to notice that no matter what I did around this guy, I was always somehow in the wrong. He would complain if I couldn't email him in real time. He would demand that we have real-time chats when I was at work. He objected to the fact that I'm not on my computer on Sundays. He accused me of blocking his friend status on the art site, and I had to explain that I hadn't done that. Just weird demands that I should be available whenever he wanted to write to me, but without any basis. I went on a vacation with my family, and he wrote to me the entire time - even complained if I was a couple of hours late in getting back to him.

And the sexual thing was getting strange. At first I enjoyed the flirtation and sharing of some fantasies - which I told myself were harmless, since it was all virtual, and it wasn't like I was having an affair. He was a good writer and he would write these fun little scenarios for me. I offered to pay him for them, and he hated the idea. He wanted me to want him. "Just tell me that you WANT me!" He'd say. I wasn't sure about that. I liked him a lot, but how do you manufacture desire for someone you've never seen? It was bizarre.

He started insisting that he loved me. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love! It kind of threw me. I began to wonder if the guy was kind of cracked. He definitely acted like a narcissistic child a lot of the time. And the manipulation and paranoia and demands were strange - so inappropriate.

But I got hooked, and stayed that way. It's actually only been a few weeks since I met the guy, and I'm sort of obsessed with him.

So his style was to demand communication with me every day, multiple times a day, for the past few weeks. Now he's slowing down. No responses for a day or two, and then a weird low energy after the manic pursuit of our - relationship, or whatever it is. It's kind of like a relationship in microcosm, but of course it's a complete and utter FANTASY.

So a number of things - I know I shouldn't be doing stuff like this if I want to stay married. Why am I so hooked? He's older than me and an established artist, so hero-worship stuff kicks in for me as it tends to do. Suddenly I'm a little girl wanting to do anything to keep Daddy's interest and love. My DH is loving and supportive - our relationship isn't fireworksy anymore, but we're devoted. I'm just miserable that I've cheated emotionally, and at the same time I'm questioning my ability to continue in our marriage.

Another thing - my fears of rejection really get the best of me around controlling men. Because of my father issues, this guy has been insanely attractive to me - and I know enough about psychology to realize that he's churning up childhood stuff that I have to resolve another way.

Today - feeling sick because he seems to be slowing down, and I'm anticipating a complete break in communication soon. I'm guilty, I'm hurt, I'm sick, I feel like my time was wasted, I'm wondering why I fall for these drips, and I'm upset that I caved in to the lure of something that seemed too good to be true, because it was. You can't have a sexy relationship with someone you never see, and you certainly can't love them. Also there's no free lunch! I wanted to flirt, but in a safe way. Emotionally, though, this hasn't been safe for me at all. So feeling like gigantic dumb$hit around this.

Oh, and the other thing - I miss him!

I know it's better that this thing is (apparently) over, but I would be interested in your insights around this. Thanks!