Quote:
Originally Posted by June_Bug
I copied this from the thread "Is this DID" because I need input with what I have been experiencing. So here goes.........
My experience with dissociation has not been beneficial, as an adult. In fact, it puts me at risk. Where it served it's purpose in childhood, it no longer serves me well now.
It seems I spend more time dissociated, than I am comfortable with. The minute I leave my home, I dissociate. It's an automatic response to leaving safety (home). I change with varying degrees and when I get home I say to myself that if I had been in this conversation with this person, I would not have said that or would have handled it completely differently. As a result, I alienate people due to how I respond because I come across as someone "offbeat". Offbeat is my description of someone who does not respond "normally" or has huge emotional reactions during a conversation where none is really required - almost childlike responses. I get those sideways glances, second looks or long stares and then I see a judgment being cemented about me. When I get home I feel deeply ashamed and spend long times isolating myself as a result.
I have dissociative states that I have labeled. One is dread who follows me around wringing it's hands always worried and scared (carries anxiety and panic). I have the watcher who watches others and their responses to me and reports back to me when I get home (very critical parental or authority figure). I have shame that hangs around me when I get home after the watcher has reported (my childhood abuser). I have the joker, which comes out more often than I like in public and makes funny statements or acts funny but is not really funny at all (not unlike my father who also acted this way). I have my inner child that appears needy and has no social skills whatsoever. This inner child is 5 years old and holds my trauma memories and is that part that quickly moves me into dissociation when feeling unsafe. This is the part that I struggle with the most as I have never been able to communicate with any success. The 5 year old part of me has never been to school, does not know how to read or write and has had inconsistent parenting with long-term sadistic abuse and so there's a huge language barrier there to work with. I have tried over the years, but nothing has worked and I fear I will forever be stuck and not able to move through to integration, which is what I am hoping for.
I have never honored these parts as being fragmented as this has only added to difficulties in living day to day in my adult life and kept people alienated from me. I do practice grounding skills and DBT, but still it's a daily uphill arduous battle. Yesterday, while on my balcony working on my flower garden a neighbor walked by and started a conversation with me which startled me and sent me straight into dissociation..... shaking my head in despair. Then in a support group the joker came out and made inappropriate comments while other people were talking. I'll probably not go back. Maybe I should name a new part - the defeatist, who orchestrates all these parts to keep me in bondage.
When I was in Sheppard Pratt, they saw no evidence that I was DID, but I have to wonder, where does the line begin and end between DDNOS and DID? Are these parts of me that I am describing DID? They do not appear to be a separate personality, or do they? I am beginning to think that I have DID and not DDNOS, although my shrink and T would argue against this. When I dissociate, I have no memory, only realize that I was dissociated and the feeling of deep shame emerges or follows shortly afterwords. Then sometimes, I feel like I am observing this dissociation but can't control myself.
I'm very confused. Thank you for listening

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June bug the lines between the dissociative disorders are in the diagnostics for each disorder and its also with in the person their self. each person has their own symptoms, types of internal coping mechanisms, own physical make up, and for some their own internal system of fragments/introjects/ego states, inner children and alters.
is what you are describing parts with dissociative disorders? we cant tell you that but a psychiatrist with the help of diagnostic tests for Dissociative disorders can tell you that. like I stated in other threads, the testing involves all aspects of you the physical (scans, physical and many others to rule out any physical diagnosis that can share these same symptoms, the mental computerized, oral and interview, and the academics (here in the USA the academics part of the test is called an IQ test). after testing you will have your answer of what is what for you. if you have already gone through diagnostics go according to what ever your treatment providers say is going on for you. they are the ones that diagnosed you. you can also ask for new testing if the old one wasnt clear enough or you would just like a second opinion.
With DDNOS you can have all kinds of symptoms including the memory loss / loss of time / not remembering everything that goes on with you. DDNOS is one of those disorders where you have some of the dissociative disorders symptoms but not all of one disorders symptoms. and the list of symptoms can vary for each person..
one person may have the symptoms of being spacy, not remembering things and switching into parts that dont fit the diagnostics with DID.
another may present with feeling like their world isnt real, not being able to remember things and having periods of time where they picked up and moved and started a new life somewhere else without realizing they had that past life.
another may present with doing things they dont remember, feeling like both worlds (inside their self and outside their self) feels disconnected and not real)
another person may present all the system and diagnostics of DID but not have alters that fit the diagnostics.
with DDNOS (Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified) the list and combination of symptoms is endless.
its like how many number combinations can you make with the numbers 1,2, 3, 4,5,6,7,8,9,
if you take every symptom and diagnostics for all the dissociative disorders and you lists of combinations using those symptoms and diagnostics the list of combinations people may have is endless.
So what do you have? you have what ever your treatment providers diagnosed you with (talk to them and they can answer all these questions for you ) and you can also get re diagnosed or get a new diagnosis by going through the testings procedures.